An Elf Lord Has Needs
by Nightstalker1
Summary: Celeborn realizes that the romance has gone out of his marriage to Galadriel, which results in some very OOC attempts to regain her love. FINAL CHAPTER UP!!
1. An Elf Lord Has Needs

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story.  I borrowed them for awhile from J.R.R. Tolkein and I promise to return them with minimal psychological damage.**

**Author's Note: I noticed that there are few fanfics out there about Galadriel and Celeborn.  The fics that ****are about these two are usually pretty serious.  So, I took it upon myself to take these two stiff necks and turn them into a source of ridicule. *smiles innocently*  I wondered what would happen if Celeborn noticed that the romance was gone from his marriage and it evolved into this nice little piece of insanity.  All of the characters are very OOC (especially Celeborn) throughout the entire story.  Enjoy!**

An Elf Lord Has Needs

Chapter 1: An Elf Lord Has Needs

The midnight hours in Lothlórien were said to be more beautiful and serene than anywhere else in Middle Earth.  Pale beams of pristine moonlight shone through any gaps among the mallorn trees and caused the summer green leaves to glisten like pure silver.  The elven kingdom was silent, save the gentle lapping of the Nimrodel along the borders, as its inhabitants all slept.

Well…not all of them slept…

Celeborn, Lord of Lothlórien and husband to Galadriel, sat upright in his bed.  His eyes held no traces of sleep, and it was obvious from the dark circles under those eyes that he hadn't slept well in many nights.  An open book lay in his hands, though his mind was clearly not on his reading.  Celeborn's thoughts, which confused him too much to allow him to rest, were bent on his wife who slept soundly on the other side of the bed with her back to him.  Celeborn sighed audibly as he watched Galadriel.  She wore a nightdress that covered every square inch of her body and her long golden locks had all been swept up into curlers.  

*When exactly did she start wearing curlers to bed?* The elven lord thought curiously.  

The new observation of Galadriel's latest hair accessories caused Celeborn's thoughts to become even more confusing.  With a slight reluctance over disturbing his sleeping wife, Celeborn cleared his throat.  Galadriel stirred slightly, but did not wake.  Celeborn cleared his throat louder.  His wife still did not leave her dreams.  Getting a bit annoyed, Celeborn grabbed Galadriel's shoulder and shook it.

"Galadriel?"

Galadriel mumbled something about rings and dark queens in her sleep, rolled on her back, and began to snore in a way that would drown out Mt. Doom itself.  At this point, Celeborn was just plain disgusted.  Throwing his elvish dignity out the window, he kicked his wife hard enough to throw her off the bed and onto the floor.

In an instant, the Queen of Lothlórien woke up with a snort and sprang to her feet.  She glared at her husband in a way that would make even a Balrog cower in fear.  If Celeborn had any common sense, he would probably have beaten a hasty retreat then and there.  However, he sat where he was, his eyes transfixed on the comical site of Galadriel's curlers hanging in disarray among a rat's nest of golden hair.  It was then that Celeborn did something that only happened once every few millennia; he snorted with repressed laughter.  

This only caused Galadriel's face to somehow grow even more cross. "If you have a valid excuse for awakening me in the middle of the night, Celeborn, then I demand you state it now; lest you wish to spend every night for the rest of your immortal life outside."

Celeborn quickly regained his composure and stared at his fuming wife solemnly as he declared the leading question that plagued his mind.  "Galadriel, do you believe that the romance has left our marriage?"

Of all the things that Galadriel had expected her husband to say, that was definitely not one of them.  She stared at Celeborn in open mouthed shock.

"You woke me up at this ungodly hour to ask me THAT?" She hissed. "Could this not have waited until the morning?"

"No, Galadriel.  I fear that unless this question is answered now, I shall never sleep peacefully again.  I must know if what I believe is true." 

"Of all the moronic…" Galadriel grumbled under her breath as she crawled back into bed and turned away from her husband.  "I believe your wisdom has failed you, Celeborn, if you fear such trivial matters.  The shadows spread out of Mordor like a plague and destroys all in its path.  Our kingdom and all the elves within our borders will fall if we do not prevail.  Yet your thoughts are not on our people, but on the lack of romance in our marriage!"

"Ah!" Celeborn pointed an accusing finger at his wife's back. "So you admit that our marriage has lost its romance!"

"I said no such thing!" Galadriel snapped back before burying her curler topped head in a pillow. "Now I wish to return to sleep."  

"Can you not at least listen to my reasoning?" the elven lord pleaded as he lifted the pillow off of his wife.

"No!" she growled and grabbed the pillow back.

Celeborn sighed. "Then will you please humor me for a moment?"

"Fine!" a very exasperated Galadriel pulled the pillow off of her head, but did not face her husband. "If humoring you for a moment will quiet you down and allow me to sleep, then go ahead."

"Do you think you could at least look at me?  It is very disconcerting to speak to your back."

"No."

Seeing as how this was probably as good as the situation was going to get, Celeborn did not argue further.

"Tell me," he began. "When did we conceive Celebrian?" 

"What?" Galadriel paused for a moment, trying to recall the past few Ages and when their only child was born. "It is too late at night for me to remember the exact date.  It was some time during the First Age."

"That was over eight thousand years ago."

"So?"

"Do you recall if we have made love at any time since then?"

"I do not remember.  And I can not believe that you could be thinking of something like **that right now." **

Galadriel pulled the covers over her head in an attempt to block out the sound of Celeborn's voice.  She had thought that allowing him to speak his mind a bit would calm him down and allow her to return to sleep.  Instead, indulging him was only making his annoying questions multiply.

Celeborn scowled at his wife who was feigning sleep in an attempt to shut him up. "Well I do remember.  And the answer is never.  We have not had sex in over eight thousand years!  That just is not right!"

"How is that not right!?" Galadriel threw the covers off and sat up, forgetting that she was supposed to be pretending to be asleep, as she yelled at her husband.  "We are the Lord and Lady of Lórien!  We value the safety and prosperity of our kingdom and are thus above pleasures of the flesh!"

Celeborn grumbled under his breath. "I may be Lord of Lórien, but I still have needs."

"What!?"

"I said nothing."

"I heard very well what you said!" Galadriel bellowed in a voice that made Sauron himself sound like bird's song.

"I do not see why you should care!" Celeborn snarled back. "All you care about is your duties to your people!  You care nothing for your duties to your husband!"

Below their bedroom, someone began pounding on the ceiling and cursing inventively in Quenya. "Keep it down up there!  The rest of us are trying to sleep!"

"Shut up!" Both Lord and Lady yelled to the floor.

Celeborn instantly returned his attention to his enraged wife and glared at her menacingly. "I demand that you show me the proper respect that is your duty as my wife!  You may bear the ring, Nenya, but I am your husband and better!"

Galadriel backed away from Celeborn.  Nenya began to grow brightly on her fingers as dark shadows passed over her face, making her appear larger and fiercer.  In an impossibly deep voice for a woman she bellowed. "You dare to order me?!"

*          *          *

As dawn crept over the elven kingdom of Lórien, Haldir yawned and stretched as he made his way to Celeborn and Galadriel's audience chamber for his daily orders.  As he reached the top of the stairway, he was surprised to see a figure curled up next to the door leading to the Lord and Lady's private chambers.  Upon closer inspection, Haldir was shocked to discover that the figure was a very roughed up Celeborn.  The elven lord had an expression on his face that looked as though he had been thrown to a pack of famished wargs.

Sensing that someone was near, Celeborn's eyes cleared and he woke.  Noticing that Haldir was staring at him with an expression that revealed both surprise and humor, the elven lord immediately felt chagrined at being seen.

"Galadriel kicked me out," he replied weakly.

Haldir nodded and, to Celeborn's unfathomable relief, did not comment.  The blonde guard had learned from experience that whenever Galadriel got angry, it was best for one's health to not say anything. 


	2. Just Do Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own Celeborn, Galadriel, or Haldir.  *Bows down to the great J.R.R. Tolkein***

**Author's Notes: The madness continues!  Celeborn and Haldir are horribly OOC and Galadriel…I'd say she's OOC, but I'm not sure.  A big thank you goes out to my friends; Shannon for her wonderful plot bunny and Hannah for her ideas and the chapter title.  Thanks for all the reviews so far.  Keep 'em coming!**

Chapter 2: Just Do Me 

"It is just not fair!" Celeborn wailed at the top of his lungs.

Haldir visibly winced.  He had hoped that taking Celeborn to a secluded area of Lothlórien would help to ease his lord's troubled mind.  However, his plan had failed miserably.  Galadriel's rejection of him last night had completely shattered Celeborn's normally calm demeanor.  Instead of relaxing, Celeborn was pacing around a tree, alternating between whining and all out bawling.  As he watched his lord practically throw a temper tantrum, Haldir began to seriously wonder if he should have simply stayed out of his lord and lady's affairs and left Celeborn where he had found him.  The headache he was receiving from Celeborn's constant banter was saying he should have.  

"It's been eight thousand years since we last consummated our love, Haldir.  EIGHT FREAKING THOUSAND YEARS!!  That's too long, even for immortals.  I have needs and desires, but she does not see that.  She loves Nenya, not me."

Celeborn stopped his pacing and began to pound his head against the tree. "I. Just. Do. Not. Get. It!"

It was at this point that Haldir decided to step in and stop his lord…for the tree's sake.  

"Please stop this, my lord.  Giving yourself a concussion will not solve this problem."

Celeborn looked at Haldir with big, pathetic, tear filled, puppy-dog eyes.  "Then what will solve it?"

Haldir cringed.  He had been telling himself all morning that he should not get involved any further in this matter, but now his attempt to comfort Celeborn had just pushed him into getting even more involved.  He mentally scanned through all of his bad relationships with women for an answer that he could give.  Unfortunately, his scan revealed that he had never once had a bad relationship with a woman because he never engaged one long enough to actually have a relationship.  *Curse the Valar!  Now I have to actually think of an answer on my own.*

"Well…" Haldir paused a moment and tried to think of an answer that would send the distraught Lord of Lórien on his way and leave him in peace. "You should talk to your wife, my lord.  Tell her how you feel about this matter."

Celeborn sniffed. "That is what I tried to do last night and she locked me out because of it."

Haldir sighed. "Perhaps you should talk to her when she is not trying to sleep, my lord."

"Oh."

Having said what he believed to be sage advice, Haldir quickly began to walk away before Celeborn could have a chance to ask him anything more.

He had no such luck.

"She scarcely listens to me anymore," Celeborn sobbed. "How will I be able to grab her attention when she barely acknowledges my presence?"

Haldir stopped mid-stride and proceeded to curse under his breath in about five different languages.

"I don't know!" The younger elf snapped. "Drug her, seduce her, anything!  Just leave me out of this!"

With that said, Haldir stalked back toward the elven city.  Celeborn watched him leave with a thoughtful expression.

"Hmmmm…'seduce her'…"

*          *          *

Galadriel sat alone in her glade, gazing intently into her mirror.  Her eyes hardened as she watched the great kingdoms of Middle Earth crumble while the fiery eye of Sauron, gazing through a golden ring, filled the sky.  She was only slightly aware of the sound of an approaching horse.

Celeborn galloped into the glade upon the finest horse in Lórien.  The sturdy animal's coat was a shining gloss of white with no trace of any other color.  Its mane and tail were also pure white and seemed to be spun from the finest silk.  Celeborn himself was clad in his finest white silk robes, matching the horse perfectly.  A silver belt, encrusted with multiple jewels, was looped around his waist and a crown of twisting, silver vines encircled his head.  If anyone else had observed this site, they might have thought that the Lord of Lórien was made of the very essence of Eärendil's light.  However, only Galadriel was present; and she completely ignored her husband's grand entrance.

"Greetings, my beautiful maiden," Celeborn raised a slim eyebrow suggestively.  "How about we go for a little ride together on Lórien's finest horse?  I can promise you that it will be…" He patted a spot behind him on the horse's back and licked his lips. "most enjoyable."

"Celeborn," Galadriel replied neutrally without looking up from her mirror.  "Get off my horse, change your clothes, and return to the city.  The delegates from Imladris have just arrived to discuss trade agreements."

The elven lord's shoulders slumped in defeat as he dismounted his wife's horse and led it out of the glade.

"Stupid mirror's ruining my mojo," he grumbled.

Nenya glowed as Galadriel raised her hand.  Without turning her head away from the mirror, she sent a tiny ball of blue light from her finger tip to her husband's backside.

Celeborn yelped as he felt his rear flare up in pain.  He whirled around and glared at his wife, who remained completely absorbed in her mirror.

*          *          *

That evening, Galadriel slowly made her way back to her chambers.  There was a definite weariness in her eyes, though her movements were as graceful and controlled as always.  Her mirror had revealed many horrible visions to her which were now firmly planted in her mind.  The Lady of Lórien wished for nothing more than to retire for the evening and allow sleep to aid in sorting her visions.  

However, the vision she saw upon entering her bedroom had to be the most disturbing one of all.  

Celeborn was stretched out like a cat in a sunbeam on the bed, clad in nothing but a pair of green boxer shorts with golden mallorn leaf prints.  

Galadriel had to force herself to keep a neutral look upon her face.  This was the first time in over eight thousand years that she had seen Celeborn's bare chest.  Not that it was much to look at, though.  Though Celeborn had once been a very athletic elf in his youth, the past few millennia he had spent ruling Lórien had not helped his physique.  The elven lord had become quite lanky.  His arms and legs were long and thin and his chest was laughable in comparison to most elves.  Though elves retained a very fair complexion, Galadriel noticed with some uneasiness that her husband had a distinct tan line on his neck; and everything below his neck was completely white.  

"Well, my lady?" Celeborn purred. "What thoughts do you have, standing there in the doorway?  Are you…tempted?"

Galadriel allowed a faint look of disgust appear on her face. "No, I am not tempted.  I am revolted."

Celeborn rolled onto his side to face his wife while flipping a lock of hair away in the same movement.  He, and only he, thought that this was a very seductive gesture.  When Galadriel frowned at him, Celeborn sat up.

"Surely you jest, Galadriel?  You are not enticed by my appearance at all?"

"No."

The Lord of Lórien was taken aback by the coldness in his wife's voice. "I do not understand.  The last time I did this, we conceived Celebrian."

"The last time you did this, I was also under the influence of an unhealthy amount of wine," Galadriel growled.

This statement struck Celeborn like a physical blow.  The elven lord's face became ashen and tears began to well up in his eyes.

"So, the only reason we made love was because you were intoxicated?  It was not out of love or desire?  It was all because of the wine?"

Galadriel merely stared impassively at him.

"IT WAS ALL A LIE!!!" Celeborn wailed as he ran out of the room.

The Lady of Lórien sighed as she watched her husband run down the stairs that led to the rest of the city.  In truth, she had not been **that intoxicated when they made love, but she was not about to admit that.  The fate of Middle Earth was hanging in the balance and Celeborn had to learn that there were more important matters at hand than romance.  With a minute shrug, Galadriel locked the doors to the bedroom, changed into her nightdress, put her hair in curlers, and went to bed.**

*          *          *

Haldir was just about to doze off when he heard someone knocking on his door.  With a disgruntled curse, the elven guard got up and opened the door.  His lord was standing on his doorstep in nothing but a pair of hideous boxer shorts.  Haldir quickly stifled a laugh and spoke with mock concern.

"Is there a problem, my lord?"

Celeborn sniffed. "I tried to seduce Galadriel like you suggested.  Alas, for not only does she no longer love me, but she has declared that she never loved me in the first place."  

"Then how, by Elbereth, did your daughter come into being?" Haldir bit his lip when he realized he had said that out loud.

"Galadriel had too much wine."

"Ah."

Haldir was about to close the door on Celeborn when the older elf suddenly spoke.

"Might I be able to stay with you?"

"WHAT!" Haldir's voice cracked.

"Galadriel has kicked me out of our chambers twice in one day.  Would it be possible for me to stay with you?"

It was all Haldir could do to prevent himself from slamming the door in his lord's face. "I am afraid I do not have much room."  
  


Tears were now streaming down Celeborn's face.  "But I have nowhere else to go."  
  


Haldir silently cursed his weakness for crying elves as he stepped aside and motioned for Celeborn to enter.  The Lord of Lórien instantly brightened and dashed inside.  When Haldir turned around, he found his lord already curled up on the only bed, sucking his thumb in his sleep.  It was then that Haldir realized something very important:

Celeborn had finally lost it.

Grumbling, the elven guard shoved a stack of books from a chair to the already cluttered floor.  He slumped into the chair and almost fell asleep, but was brought back to a fully awakened state by Celeborn snoring louder than a marching legion of Sauron's troops. 

It was going to be a long night.

**A/N: Ok everyone, I've got a few ideas for future chapters, but I'm going to need some help.  I would love it if you all would leave reviews and give me some suggestions for Celeborn's next move.  The most promising ideas will appear in the story.  Thanks!**


	3. The Subtle Approach

**Author's Notes: I'm so sorry for the lack of updates, everyone.  My schedule has been insane lately.  I've been studying for three exams and an early final, preparing an important debate, and working on a twenty-four page lab report for zoology.  And next week is the start of the dreaded Finals Week.  I've had absolutely no time to myself.  But, I've managed to write a new chapter!  Thanks a lot for all the reviews.**

Plot bunny thanks go to:

1) Kim- You have no interest in reading or watching Lord of the Rings, (I'll forgive you for now) but you gave me a cute idea.

2) LordVaughan- I modified your idea just a little bit since this takes place before the Fellowship was created, so I hope you don't mind.  Thanks a lot, though.

3) Everyone who wanted Celeborn to beef up a little- Don't worry, he'll get better as time progresses.

Chapter 3: The Subtle Approach 

Haldir was rudely awakened the next morning by the smell of burning leather.  At least that was what he thought it smelled like.  Grumbling, the elven guard stumbled into his kitchen where he was met with an amusing, and equally disturbing, site.  

Celeborn was standing in the center of the room, repeatedly lifting a medium sized book in either hand.  He had somehow acquired a set of his own robes; though how and where, Haldir did not want to guess.  Behind him, a kettle in the fireplace was spewing putrid smelling black smoke.  Haldir was not sure which was worse; the smell coming from the kettle, or Celeborn's pitiful attempt at working out.

Haldir cleared his throat loud enough to call Celeborn's attention. "My lord, might I enquire as to what you are doing?"

"My dear Haldir, I came to an epiphany last night while I dreamed."

"And what would that be, my lord?" Haldir asked, against his better judgment.

The elven lord continued to lift the books up and down. "I realized that Galadriel no longer desires me because time has stolen the handsome looks of my youth.  Look at my hair, Haldir.  It is turning silver with age!"

"My lord," Haldir sighed in exasperation. "It is a well known fact that your hair was silver, even in your youth.  You do not look any different than you did when I was born.  You are an elf and elves do not show any visible signs of aging!  Seeing as how you and Galadriel are the eldest of all the elves in Lórien, I am surprised that you could ever think you looked old."

Celeborn suddenly dropped the book and glared at the younger elf. "Are you calling me old?"

"I did not say you were old, my lord, I said that you and your lady are the eldest."

"You said I was old."

"I did not mean old in that sense."

"You said I was old," Celeborn's eyes welled up with tears. "You are right, dear Haldir.  I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A HASBEND!" The Lord of Lórien was now wailing at the top of his lungs. "I CAN NO LONGER WIN GALADRIEL'S HEART BECAUSE I AM JUST A DIRTY OLD ELF WHO CAN NOT COMPETE WITH THE YOUTHFUL LOOKS OF ANY OTHER MALE!"

Haldir instantly plugged his sensitive ears with his fingers.  In his opinion, Celeborn did not look like a hasbend.  But he was correct when he called himself a dirty old elf.  Of course, Haldir would never say that out loud unless he wanted to spend the rest of his immortal life without a head.  

Celeborn's wails stopped suddenly.  He sniffled and began to lift the books once more. 

"Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, I may continue.  Because I no longer have my youthful charm, I must work to build myself back into the irresistible elf I once was.  And so I have vowed to work hard every day for as long as it takes to bring back my youthful muscles."

Haldir could not help but comment. "And so you are going to lift my books?"  
  


"Precisely."

The elf guard rolled his eyes. "Would it not work better if you lifted heavier books than those?  It may speed the process up."  
  


"Oh no, I could not do that.  Those heavy books would overstrain my perfect form.  No, these books shall be fine.  At the rate I am going, it should not take more than a millennia or so."

*Sweet Elbereth, do not torture me like this.* Haldir seethed as he made his way over to the smoldering kettle. "And what, might I ask, is this, my lord?"

"Ah yes.  Galadriel has always been fond of warm drinks in the morning.  In my epiphany, I realized that I have never actually cooked a single dish in my life.  So I have vowed to learn the culinary arts and win Galadriel's favor back."

"By poisoning her?" Haldir grumbled.

"Nay, my silly friend.  I will make her taste buds dance in ecstasy over my creations.  For it is said that the sweetest dish is the one made with love."

"If your love will sweeten any dish, than why is there foul smoke pouring out of my kettle?"

"Oh dear!" Celeborn squeaked as he tried to pull the kettle off of the fire…with his bare hands.  "OW!!"

With yet another sigh, Haldir doused the fire with a pitcher of water and stalked over to the main door.  For the sake of his own health, he would rather not stay within ten leagues of his lord.  

"Haldir, where are you going?" Celeborn asked with a quivering voice.

"I have scouting to do," The elven guard growled as he opened the door. "And you have work to do if you wish to woo your lady again today."

"Oh no, Haldir, I have already taken care of that.  I have initiated a strategy that will win her heart back for sure.  That leaves me the rest of the day to use your kitchen to perfect my culinary skills."

Celeborn's answer was a scream, the sound of a door being slammed, and the light patter of elven boots on the grass running far far away.

*          *          *

Galadriel stood on the balcony attached to her chambers.  Below her, the kingdom of Lórien stretched out in all of its timeless splendor.  Her subjects went about their lives in peace, oblivious to the darkness that would once again cover all of Middle Earth in the near future.  Only the Lady of Lórien knew what would befall Middle Earth soon.  Galadriel let out a sigh so quiet that it could not be heard by mortal ears.  It was times like these that she wished there was another with whom she could share the fear and doubt she felt when the dark visions came.  

A twinge of guilt touched the Lady of Lórien at this thought.  She briefly regretted dismissing Celeborn the previous night.  During the first and second ages, he had always given her a willing ear whenever the dark visions plagued her mind.  For a moment, Galadriel toyed with the idea of finding her husband and bidding him to return.  However, she immediately discarded that idea when she remembered how he had acted like a conceited, sex-crazed, male chauvinist pig.

Galadriel turned her back to the view of Lórien and headed back into her chambers to look for something that would divert her train of thought from the dark visions and her far-too-eager husband.  A knock on the door did just that.  Her curiosity piqued, Galadriel adopted her usual expression of god-like neutrality and opened the door.

A young male elf, no older than a millennia or so, was standing in the doorway.  He caught one look at his queen and immediately averted his eyes.

"Forgive me, my lady," The youth, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. "I did not mean to disturb you, but I was asked to bring you a delivery."

Galadriel's eyes shifted from the younger elf to the pile of cloth wrapped packages stalked neatly on the doorstep.  The pile was almost as high as the elf who was delivering them.

"Who has sent these?" She asked in her god-like neutral voice.

"I know not, my lady," The youth stammered. "My instructions were to simply deliver them.  I was never told the identity of the sender."

The Lady of Lórien groaned inwardly and forced herself to not roll her eyes. *Celeborn you stereotypical fool.  Your fervent lust has caused you to act like a child just entering his majority and trying to woo the most popular lady.  I am your wife, not a secret crush.*

She fixed her neutral gaze on the younger elf once more. "Very well.  Bring them in."

The youth's head snapped up and he quickly moved the packages into the chambers.  With a nervous bow, he briskly left and forced himself not to look back for a final glance at his ruler's flawless beauty.  

Galadriel smirked as she watched the youth try not to look at her. *There are times when it is very rewarding to be me.*

With a sigh, Galadriel turned her attention to the packages inside.  A scrap of parchment was attached to the topmost one.  She picked it up and groaned outright at what was written in Celeborn's distinctive handwriting.

_Balrogs are red_

_Radagast is brown_

_I'm more handsome than Sauron_

_So let's get it on_

*Dear Elbereth, he has sunk so low that he cannot even think of a proper rhyme*

Shaking her head in disbelief, Galadriel considered tossing the packages into the nearest fireplace for fear of what they might contain.  However, a nagging voice in her mind was insisting that she open them.  The Lady of Lórien slowly began to unwrap the packages, all the while grumbling about listening to too many voices in her head.

The packages contained the usual gifts for catching an elven lady's favor; flowers, sweets, expensive jewelry, and various hair clips that would allow her to flaunt her perfectly pointed ears in front of others.  When she came down to the final package, clearly the largest one of all, Galadriel hesitated.  This particular package gave her a very uneasy feeling.  Unfortunately, the stupid voices would not shut up.  Cursing her weakness for little mental voices, Galadriel unwrapped the package and almost passed out at the site of its contents.

Celeborn had sent her a rather extensive collection of assorted, extremely scandalous, lingerie.  Each piece was so small and tight that Galadriel thought they could only fit a child's doll.  She wasted no time in flinging her husband's "thoughtful" gift into the back of her closet, where it would never see daylight or moonlight again, and slamming the door shut.  

The Lady of Lórien unsteadily made her way out of her chambers with her face as white as snow.  

"Must.  Take.  Walk.  Must.  Flee.  From.  Evil.  Undergarments."  
  


**A/N:  So what will happen to Galadriel on her walk?  Will Celeborn ever be able to get back into shape?  Will any of Celeborn's schemes ever win back Galadriel's favor?  Will Haldir permanently lose his sanity?  Keep the reviews and ideas coming, everyone, to find out.**


	4. Advice and Schizophrenia

**Author's Notes: Yes!  My finals are done and I'm home for the summer! This means I'll have more time to write, though I'll be working as well.  Thanks everyone for waiting patiently while I tried to come up with ideas for this chapter.  As thanks for your patience, this chapter is the longest one to date.  I promise this fic is going to probably get more crazy now that I'm home and in close contact with some of my inspirational friends. (You guys know who you are.) This chapter takes place the day after the events in chapter 3.**

I recently was listening to the soundtrack for the movie/play 1776.  Can anyone spot my little 1776 reference?

Plot Bunny thanks go to:

Genki neko-chan: Ah my little kitty who never fails to get me in that one mood where creative ideas flow.  My story is the ice cream and your ideas are the toppings.  And my attempt at poetic writing sucks.

Fairy Hedgehog: In truth, it was your idea that spawned the plot for half of this chapter.  You have my deepest thanks.

Thinking in * *

Chapter 4: Advice and Schizophrenia

"It just would not stop.  He simply kept snoring and snoring and I could not sleep.  He has taken over the bed and so I am forced to sleep in a chair that I have been meaning to get rid of for the last hundred years or so because it is too uncomfortable.  I wanted to fix myself something to calm my nerves, but all of my food and herbs had been sacrificed to his abominable attempts at 'culinary art'.  My home smells of decaying corpses because of his experimentation in creating his own love potions.  My books are in complete disarray.  Many might say that they were always in disarray, but they were in an order that I preferred.  Now they are scattered about because of him.  I tried to tell him to leave, but he just stared at me with those wide, puppy-dog eyes and it made my heart melt.  I have never been able to turn a tearful elf away before and now my weakness is driving me completely insane!  If I am forced to listen to his snores again, I fear that I may be driven to homicide.  Yet I can not murder the Lord of Lórien, for that would be treason.  Then again, is it not also treason to speak of murdering him?  Even worse, is it not treason to even think of murdering him?  NO! I HAVE BECOME A TRAITOR TO THE REALM I SWORE TO PROTECT!"

"Peace, brother!" Orophin winced as Haldir ranted on.  His elder brother was lying flat on his back atop a couch near the border of the city and had been babbling on about the past two days Celeborn had spent in his house since their guard shift had begun.  Orophin was vigorously massaging his temples in an attempt to stay the headache that Haldir's endless talk had caused when he finally yelled for his elder brother to stop.  

Orophin's sudden outburst stopped Haldir in mid-rant.  The elven guard's eyes widened in fear and a tiny whimper escaped from his mouth.  Orophin had never yelled before and Haldir was worried if his younger brother had gone mad.

Orophin sighed in relief as Haldir shut up. "Dear brother, I have never seen you so distressed before.  You have always been the most stoic of all the Galadrim in times of crisis.  What has brought this sudden change upon you?"  

"Your sanity would be in danger as well if you were forced to house your lord for the past two days," Haldir grumbled in a low voice.

"Are you sure that it is just Lord Celeborn that is to blame.  From the way you are reacting to the situation, it would appear to me that he has simply triggered a great deal of anger that you have been repressing for some time."

Haldir's face scrunched up as he tried to recall past memories. "I suppose you are right, brother.  I believe it all started when I was still an elfling.  Having been the first born, Mother and Father always doted on me," His eyes narrowed in resentment. "But then you and Rúmil were born.  From then on, nothing I did was good enough for mummy-dearest.  It was always 'Orophin this' and 'Rúmil that'!  Everything that you two did wrong, I was always blamed for.  Mother and Father's denial of my very existence finally forced me to leave at an early age.  Now that I think about it, my life would have been much more stable if you two had never been born.  That is it! The reason I am so angry is because my two spoiled little brats of brothers destroyed my life!"

Haldir would have continued, but Orophin decided to land a solid punch on his elder brother's jaw.  The younger of the two stalked off into the forest, fully intent on getting transferred to a different post in Lórien that kept him as far away from his "dear brother" as elvenly possible.

"Wait!" Haldir called after him. "Does this mean you will not help me?"

"Help you!" Orophin snarled. "If you want help, then go find yourself an actual psychiatrist!"

As Orophin disappeared into the trees, Haldir rolled off of the couch and headed for a different guard post. *If Orophin will not aid me, then I shall have to revert to plan B.*      

*          *          *

The Lady of Lórien strode aimlessly through the mallorn trees of her kingdom.  Ever since the lingerie incident from the day before, she had been unable to even think of her wayward husband without shuddering.  The only thing that cleared her mind now was to wander through the beauty that was Lothlórien.  

As she passed a secluded glade in the forest, something caught the corner of Galadriel's eye.  Stopping, she tentatively turned to the right and hoped that what she thought she saw was merely a trick of the light. 

She had no such luck.

Celeborn was stretched out in the center of the glade wearing nothing but his green and gold boxer shorts once again.  His head was propped up on a rock and his hands held a metal sheet up to rest against his shoulders.  The elven lord had his eyes closed peacefully as he basked in the rays of sunlight that shone down on him.  Sadly, the bright light that reflected off his gangly body only served to brighten the whiteness of his skin.

Galadriel was torn between laughing and vomiting.

Celeborn's eyes snapped open when he sensed someone was watching him.  His face broke out into a suggestive grin when he saw that it was his wife who had entered the glade.  With a speed that could not be seen by the eyes of Men, the elven lord reached into a pouch near his head and pulled out a tube of oil.  He squeezed the contents, a thick grey substance, into his hands and began to rub it all over his body.  He did not see Galadriel raise a hand to her nose to block the overwhelming smell of skunk fumes that came from the oil.

"What do you think?" Celeborn purred as he stretched out once again in an attempt to look appealing.  

"Sweet Elbereth, what is that substance?" Galadriel squeaked as she pinched her nose.

"This, my dear maiden, is a love potion that I read about in my youth.  Any lady who smells it will instantly fall in love with the first person they see," He ran a finger down his chest. "Well, my love?"

"Celeborn," Galadriel choked through the fumes. "What did you put into this potion?"

"Let me think…honeysuckle, a few mallorn leaves, a pinch of powdered warg's tooth, two cups of boiled snake skin, and a single hair from the head of an oiliphant."

It was all that Galadriel could do to keep herself from strangling her husband. "Celeborn, that was not a love potion you concocted.  That was my mother's recipe for orc repellant."        

"I suppose that would explain why it is making my eyes water."

"Yes, it would."

"I just can not win!" Celeborn hollered to the heavens. "I have tried to the best of my ability to follow Haldir's advice to seduce you, and yet I have failed.  I am not fit to call myself the Lord of Lórien if I can not even hold the love of my wife."

Galadriel openly gaped at her husband. "You asked Haldir for advice?"

"Well…yes.  Is there anything wrong with that?"

"You asked Haldir?" She repeated and Celeborn nodded. "You asked Haldir, who has relationships that last for one night and end in a five minute argument loud enough to be heard throughout Lórien the next morning?  You went to the elf who has caused more broken hearts than any other in the history of Middle Earth?"

"…Yes?"

Galadriel threw up her hands in disgust and turned to leave.  Before she did, though, the Lady of Lórien sent her husband a scalding glare over her shoulder.

"I do not know what revolts me more; your pathetic attempts to seduce me or the fact that you have been taking advice from that heart-breaking, overly masculine, dog!"

"At least he is getting some," Celeborn glared back. "Which must mean that he is doing something right!"

The urge to use Nenya to make Celeborn's head explode was steadily growing in Galadriel's mind as she shot back a response. "I honestly thought that you would have more sense than that, Celeborn.  If you wished to receive council on the ways of romance, then you should have asked someone who actually knows the difference between love and lust!"

With that said, Galadriel silently walked away, leaving Celeborn alone with his thoughts.  So, she wanted him to seek council from another who knew the true ways of romance.  The elven lord shuffled through his memory bank for anyone who fit that description.  Suddenly, an idea hit Celeborn and his mouth twisted into a sly smile.

*          *          *

"My books are in complete disarray.  Many might say that they were always in disarray, but they were in an order that I preferred.  Now they are scattered about because of him.  I tried to tell him to leave, but he just stared at me with those wide, puppy-dog eyes and it made my heart melt.  I have never been able to turn a tearful elf away before and now my weakness is driving me completely insane!  If I am forced to listen to his snores again, I fear that I may be driven to homicide.  I tried to ask Orophin for aid in this matter, but he scorned and abandoned me.  How could my own younger brother do that to me after all I have done for him.  But you will not abandon me, will you Rúmil?"  

Rúmil blinked.  Haldir had spent the past two hours retelling the events that transpired between himself, Celeborn, and Orophin.  Rúmil watched his eldest brother with rapt attention and vigorously nodded in agreement.

"Absolutely, my brother.  How dare Orophin turn you aside in your time of need.  I swear to you Haldir that I will not abandon you and I shall do all that is in my power to aid you in this conflict.  My bow is at your command."

"Oh no, Rúmil!" Haldir gasped. "Your bow is of no use in this matter, for we can not murder the Lord of Lórien."

A shadow passed over the elder elf's face as his eyes narrowed.  He turned away from Rúmil and spoke again in a much lower voice, as though an evil force possessed him.

"And yet it would be the perfect solution.  How easy would it be to simply strike in the middle of the night while he sleeps.  He snores loud enough that he would never hear you coming."

The shadow passed away from Haldir's face and the elven guard spoke in his normal voice.

"But I can not do that.  I can not bring myself to murder my lord, no matter how annoying he becomes."

The shadow returned and his voice lowered again.

"And yet your sanity stands upon the edge of a great abyss.  One more incident with his stupidity and you shall surely fall."

Haldir returned to normal.

"The nature of the elves is to cherish life.  I can not bring myself to murder another in such cold blood."

Meanwhile, Rúmil watched silently as his brother succumbed to what appeared to be schizophrenia.

The shadow returned again.

"Don't be such a pansy.  Do it, Blondie!"

Haldir returned to normal yet again.

"No!  I will not do it!  You can not make me!"

Haldir continued yelling at himself as he ran full speed back into the forest.  Rúmil watched him leave with a blank look upon his face.  The youngest of Haldir's brothers shrugged his shoulders and began to walk back to his post. 

"We may see murder yet."

*          *          *

As night fell over the forests of Lothlórien, a lone figure wrapped in a hooded grey cloak crept through the branches of the mallorn trees.  The figure came upon a tiny glade that was chained off from the rest of the forest and made his way to the ground.  The figure silently ducked under a sign labeled **_Celeborn's Glade. Keep Out and pulled back the hood of his cloak._**

Celeborn smirked as he surveyed his hideout.  During the Second Age he had complained to Galadriel that he needed his own area of Lórien to contemplate the dark visions that his wife received.  Of course, he had only said that because she never would have agreed to it in the first place.  Instead of contemplating visions, Celeborn used his glade for storing his collection of books on elven anatomy, his secret stash of shampoo, and his most prized possession of all.

The elven lord walked over to a nondescript tree and pulled down on one particular branch.  A tiny door on the tree trunk opened to reveal an object no larder than his head and wrapped in purple cloth.  Celeborn gingerly picked up the bundle and set it on a wooden pedestal in the center of the glade.  He glanced around the glade to make sure no one was watching before lifting the cloth and revealing…

…one of the lost palantírs.  

Celeborn beamed, for he was very proud of himself.  He had found the palantírs in a rummage sale held by some marauding men during the late Second Age.  They had only charged him a few shillings for it, and so the purchase was a real steal for the elven lord.  Celeborn had never used the seeing stone before, though.  He had always meant too, but he could never decide on who he should contact first.  Now, though, he knew.  

Holding his hand above the stone orb, Celeborn closed his eyes and concentrated on contacting his quarry.  Wisps of purple smoke began to swirl around within the palantír.  In a matter of minutes, the palantír's was glowing a brilliant purple color.  Celeborn opened his eyes and gazed intently into the purple orb.  Suddenly, the light disappeared and was replaced with the image of…

"Celeborn!  What do you want this time?   I told you that I am not interested in selling Orthanc so you can set up your own charm and beauty school!

"Saruman!" Celeborn yelped. "I'm terribly sorry.  I must have dialed the wrong number."

The Lord of Lórien quickly threw the purple cloth back over the palantírs, severing contact with the head of the Istari order.  

"A plague upon these new-fangled gadgets!" Celeborn mumbled to himself as he uncovered the palantír and tried once more to contact the right person.  

The purple glow returned and was again replaced by the image of a new person.  An elf with dark brown hair and stormy grey eyes appeared within the palantír.  He was dressed in rumpled robes and, from the look of his bed hair, must have just woken up.

Celeborn beamed. "Elrond, my dear son-in-law, how are you?  Wonderful evening is it not?"

Elrond glared at his father-in-law. "Celeborn, I am unlisted.  How did you get this number?"

"Oh that?  Before she departed over the seas, Celebrian told me that you had a palantír hidden away in your wardrobe.  I believe she said it was under your 'sweet loving' underwear."

In Rivendell, Elrond made a mental note to yell at his departed wife after their reunion in Valinor.              

"Anyway, my dear Elrond," Celeborn continued.  "I fear that I must ask for your council on matters that are out of my control."

Elrond sat up, genuinely interested.

"I am afraid that Galadriel and I are not on the best of terms right now.  She has been very distant and cold to me as of lately and all my attempts to warm her heart have been in vain.  I realized that I needed to speak with an elf that has had a successful, loving marriage and has actually consummated that love more than once every eight thousand years.  That elf, my dear son-in-law, is you.  Might you be able to offer a bit of council on how I may bring romance back into our marriage."

"Hmmm…has she thrown you out yet?"

"Twice.  Haldir has been kind enough to see to my lodging needs for the past two nights."

"I see…that will make things more difficult…Very well, my lord.  I shall give what council I can on these matters."

"Splendid!" Celeborn grinned as he pulled out a scrap of parchment and a quill to take notes.

Elrond tapped his forefinger to his chin in thought before beginning.  "What you need to do, my lord is woo her shamelessly.  Then the moment she becomes putty in your hands, you shag her senseless."

Celeborn's face fell. "I am afraid that will not work, son.  I have tried everything I can think of to woo her and she still closes her heart and body to me." The Lord of Lórien paused for a moment when a thought struck him.  He turned an accusing eye on the half-elf. "Is that what you did to my daughter?"

Elrond gulped before answering quickly. "Of course not, my lord!  You know that I would never perform such a disrespectful act on your delicate little Celebrian."

Celeborn turned his gaze to the stars above. "I suppose you are right.  I could never imagine you treating my innocent and perfect little daughter like a common prostitute."

Unbeknownst to Celeborn, as soon as his gaze went away from the palantír, Elrond quickly wiped the sweat from his brow in relief.  

"Might I make another suggestion then, my lord?" The Lord of Rivendell piped up.

"Absolutely, my dear son-in-law-who-would-never-treat-my-daughter-in-the-way-he-just-described."

Elrond bit back a protest. *How would you know?  As it turns out, she was a tiger in bed.* "My lord, I have noticed with my sons that sometimes the best way to catch the attention of a woman who loses their favor in an elf is to make her jealous.  You should have her catch you with your arms around another fair elf.  Surely then she will see how desired you are by other maidens and she will come running back into your arms."

"Are you sure about this?" Celeborn's eyes widened with delight.

"Absolutely!  It is guaranteed to work," Elrond gave his father-in-law a dazzling smile, despite the early hour, and faded from the palantír.

Celeborn waited until the seeing stone became completely blank before a new, sly, smile appeared on his face.

*Hmmm…jealousy…* 

A/N: I wonder what Celeborn is planning to do this time…keep the reviews and ideas coming everyone.  I love feedback.  Chapter 5 should be up very soon.  


	5. My New Lover

**Author's Notes: Over fifty reviews!  I'm really happy to know that people are enjoying this story so much.  It encourages me to keep writing.  I get the feeling that this chapter's going to be a little controversial due to an implied m/m relationship.  Rest assured that it is all for the sake of comedy.  For this story, everyone's straight.  After all, I intend to keep this as a PG fic.  **

Plot bunny thanks go to;

Katie: I had been debating on whether or not to use the idea I was considering for this chapter.  When you said that a certain event would be funny, which happened to be what I was considering, I knew that I should use it.  My thanks O' Mighty One.

As always, thinking is in * *

Chapter 5: My New "Lover"

"Haldir?" 

The elven guard visibly winced at the sound of a meek, pleading voice behind him.  With deliberate slowness, he turned around to face the one who plagued his very existence.  A murderous glint was in his eyes as a false smile spread across his face.

"Yes, my lord?" Haldir's voice was sickeningly sweet and had a subtle do-anything-and-I-shall-feed-you-to-the-nearest-Balrog tone to it.

Of course, Celeborn was completely blind to subtlety and therefore did not see any reason to fear for his immortal life.

"I am not sure how to put this into words, Haldir, but…I need a maiden."

"What?" Haldir's homicidal expression was instantly transformed into one of pure confusion. "What of your wife, Lady Galadriel?  Have you given up on the pursuit of her heart?"

"Dear Elbereth, no!" Celeborn protested instantly. "Elrond told me to court another maiden so that Galadriel will become enraged with jealousy and instantly come running into my arms."

"Or break your arms," Haldir mumbled under his breath.

Celeborn, completely oblivious, continued. "Because you are favored by so many maidens in Lórien, I thought that perhaps you could aid me in arranging this scheme."

"Very well," Haldir sighed.  At this point, he was willing to do absolutely anything to rid himself of the Lord of Lórien. "Send word to Galadriel that you wish to speak to her seriously and arrange for her to meet you on the top of Cerin Amroth; for there is not a more romantic spot in all of Lothlórien.  The rest shall be handled by me."

*          *          *

The temptation to laugh was too great for Galadriel as she read the sheet of parchment which she had received only a few seconds ago.

_My dearest Galadriel,_

_The conflict between us must be resolved.  We must reconcile for the sake of our marriage and the future of Lórien.  Please meet me upon the top of Cerin Amroth when the sun has reached its peak._

_Sincerely,_

_Celeborn_

"Could he be any more of a child?" Galadriel laughed. "Does he think me blind?  I can see right through his scheme.  He has requested that I meet him at the center of Lothlorien's beauty so that he can obviously attempt to woo me once more.  If I come as he bids, he will think that I have agreed to submit to his will.  Alas, for he shall be mistaken.  I will heed to this summons, but in my own time.  I shall arrive before him with several guards and thus it will appear to all that he is late.  Ah yes, it is good to be a queen."

Galadriel proceeded to walk to her audience chamber where she could summon an appropriate number of guards to accompany her.  The elves that were working around her did their best to act as though they had not heard their queen speaking to herself.  After all, they knew that pointing out the shortcomings of the Lady of Lórien meant an eternity of pain.

*          *          *

Meanwhile, while Galadriel was laughing at her own cleverness, Celeborn found himself in what other elves would call paradise.  Haldir had called in many old favors, and even more old girlfriends, and assembled a swarm of elf maidens on Cerin Amroth.  Normally, Haldir would never have agreed to such a task, but at that moment he would do anything to get Celeborn to latch onto someone else.  The said Lord of Lórien, however, was paying no attention to the maidens, or the way Haldir was shamelessly flirting with each of them.  Instead, Celeborn's mind was completely focused on his wife.

*Perhaps this is not a wise idea.  When Galadriel and I exchanged our vows, I promised that I would always remain faithful to her.  Even though I do this to save our marriage, are my actions justified?  After this scheme is over, will I still deserve her?*

Celeborn was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Haldir's voice. "I am sorry, Haldir.  My mind was elsewhere for a moment.  Would you please repeat what you said?"

"Your mind has been elsewhere for much longer than a moment," Haldir grumbled to himself before he spoke up. "I asked if you saw any maid who struck your fancy.  I am sure that you could pick the most worthy elf for your scheme from this assembly of beauty in its purest form."

Many of the elf maidens blushed at Haldir's eloquent words.  No matter how angry they were at his egotistical nature, the elven guard's way with words never failed to make them swoon.  

"I suppose I could choose one…" Celeborn trailed off. "But I am beginning to doubt this plan."

"No!  You can not doubt the plan now!" Haldir stopped and calmed his tone of voice before continuing. "What I mean is that there is no way to call your scheme off now.  Galadriel has received your summons and the maidens are assembled.  If you call this off, then it will prove your love for Lady Galadriel is not as strong as you claim." *And my sanity shall leave me for all eternity.*

Celeborn paled at Haldir's words. "How can you say that?  Our love knows no bounds and I am no coward."

Haldir was barely able to keep his laughter in check as his lord continued.

"I shall not back down, for this is the only way.  Now Haldir, help me to select a maiden that may benefit our cause."  
  


*'Our cause'!?* Haldir cringed but kept his mouth shut.  

"So, my dear Haldir, what attributes must be possessed by the maiden that will make Galadriel the most jealous."

"That is obvious my lord.  She must be fair of face with pale skin that glows like moonlight.  Her eyes must be wide with naïve innocence.  Her hair should flow like a waterfall of silk and not bound up in any way.  Her body must be lithe and delicate to the eyes and all of her curves must be emphasized well…" Haldir trailed off as his eyes glazed over in dreamy pleasure.  

As Haldir described the perfect maiden, Celeborn's eyes also glazed over in pleasure.  The maiden that the elven guard described reminded him greatly of Galadriel in her youth, before Nenya came along and made his life miserable.  

While both male elves were glazing, Galadriel emerged on the top of Cerin Amroth with ten elven guards.  She stopped abruptly when she saw the hoard of maidens surrounding Haldir and her husband.  She was not surprised to find Haldir in the midst of this, but she glared at Celeborn and mentally considered the consequences of binding him and then throwing his body to a pack of starving wargs.

"What is the meaning of this?" She finally demanded, having decided that her idea would take to long.

Celeborn and Haldir immediately snapped out of their fantasies and stared at the seething Lady of Lórien in horror.

Celeborn recovered first. "My dearest, you are at least an hour early.  Pray tell me why you have brought guards with you?"

"I am earlier than expected because I chose to be.  No one summons me as though I am second-rate.  As for the guards, they are here in case you try anything that would involve touching me.  Now explain why you, a married elf lord, are surrounded by maidens."

"Yes dear," Celeborn squeaked before he whispered to Haldir. "What am I to do now?"

"Just continue as we planned," The younger elf whispered back.

"All of it?"

"All of it."

The Lord of Lórien stood straight and proud as he regarded his wife with an air of authority. "I have invited you all here because I have something I wish to say."

"Go on," Galadriel narrowed her eyes. *If this is not a public apology for the way he has been acting I will use Nenya to blast a large hole in his head; not that he needs another one.*

Celeborn gulped and continued. "I hereby declare that I have taken a new lover!" He whispered again to Haldir. "Now what?  I have not made my choice yet."

"Just pick one!" Haldir hissed back at him before discreetly making his way away from the elf lord.

Celeborn turned to his audience, who stared at him in curious surprise. "I have chosen…"

His eyes darted wildly around the maidens in the crowd and tried to choose one as quickly as possible. *To tall, to skinny, not enough curves, too young, too old.  Her hair is too dark and that one does not have enough hair.  How am I to decide?* Celeborn suddenly spotted the back of someone's head, with long platinum blonde hair, making their way out of the crowd.  A warning siren went off in his head, telling him not to choose that one, but Celeborn was too desperate at that point to heed it.  The elven lord reached out and grabbed the fleeing person's arm, pulling them over to him.

"I choose…" He took a quick look at the face of his new 'lover', turned back to the crowd, and announced. "I choose Haldir as my new lover!"

"What!?" The crowd of maidens shouted.

"What!?" Galadriel practically shrieked.

"What!?" Haldir cried out in absolute terror as Celeborn held him firmly by the arm.     

"Yes!" Celeborn declared, completely unaware of the disgusted looks he was being given. "I have chosen Haldir as my lover and I know that she…he will give me the greatest of pleasure."

"Why are you saying this?" Haldir growled at his lord.

"Was that not what you instructed me to say when I chose the one that would make Galadriel jealous?" Celeborn innocently whispered back.  
  


"You were supposed to choose a maiden, not me!"

"But there was no perfection in any of the maidens.  You are the most perfect elf I know, Snuggylumpkins," Celeborn cooed and began to nuzzle the younger elf's face.

Haldir paled. "Will you please stop acting the way I told you to act?  You are scaring me."

Celeborn stopped and glared at Haldir. "You said that I should act like this when I chose my partner.  I chose you as my partner, so you need to deal with this.  If I am to betray my wife with these action, which I should remind you were your idea, then you shall suffer the consequences with me."

A shadow passed over Haldir's face.

"You shall die slowly and painfully for invoking my wrath."

Celeborn blinked in surprise. "What did you say?"  

Haldir returned to normal.

"I…I said…where did Galadriel go?"

Both elves looked around the crowd for a sign of the Lady of Lórien.  All of the maidens were dispersing at that point, grumbling about how the gay elves were always the most masculine.  The elven guards that Galadriel had brought with her were currently laying down wagers on how long the relationship would last.  As for Galadriel herself, there was no sign anywhere.  

"Well," Celeborn gave his new lover a sunny smile. "Now that she knows about our relationship, we can now move on to the next part of our scheme."

"What part was that?" Haldir tried to pry his arm out of his lord's grip.

"We get to shamelessly flaunt our love!"  Celeborn was grinning madly as he released Haldir and practically skipped away.

Haldir looked to the sky and screamed at the top of his lungs. "CURSE THE VALAR!!!!"  

**A/N:  Forgive me, Haldir fans.  It was too tempting to resist.  So where has Galadriel gone?  What is Celeborn planning this time?  Keep the reviews and ideas coming to find out.    **


	6. Insanity is a Downward Spiral

**Author's Notes: I was hoping to get this chapter posted sooner, but recent events have delayed me.  My brother is getting married this weekend, so I've been frantically working on getting the house to look perfect.  I thank all of you for your patience.  I hope that the humor in this chapter makes up for the wait.  For those that asked for it, I present more schizophrenic Haldir!  **

Plot Bunny Thanks go to:

"Shrek"- Some of those lines are so vivid that they can't help but inspire me.  I love you Dreamworks!

Chapter 6: Insanity is a Downward Spiral

Throughout the kingdom of Lórien, elves were going about their daily business.  Few knew of the dangers beyond their borders, and those who did know could not be held down with ill feelings.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the entire forest of Lothlórien was covered in a gentle blanket of serenity.  All seemed peaceful and unspoiled to all the elves.

Well…all but one elf.

Haldir stomped through the forest, causing all types of animals to scramble for cover as he passed.  The scowling expression on the elven guard's face mimicked that of a dwarf who had been kicked out of a prosperous mithril mine.  An innocent little rabbit hopped up to him and twitched his whiskers cutely.  Haldir stopped his stomping and looked down at the rabbit.  A twisted, evil grin spread over the elf's face.

In another part of Lórien, several elves were surprised to see a rabbit fly over their heads.

Haldir's grin disappeared and a guilty expression spread over his face as he watched the rabbit go flying over the horizon.  

"That was not very nice."   

His eyes narrowed as a shadow passed over his face.

"Do you think I care?  I am completely enraged and needed to unleash my anger on something.  Besides, the rabbit population around here will make up for the loss ten-fold by tonight."

Haldir returned to normal.

"Attacking innocent animals is not the way to solve this problem.  I must clear my mind and think rationally.  There must be a logical way to turn Celeborn away without involving myself any further."

The shadow returned.

"So far, logic has done a wonderful job of severing your involvement with Celeborn's marriage problems.  It would be much easier to simply kill him and be done with it."

Haldir returned to normal.

"I can not bring myself to murder him!  He is my lord and husband to the most powerful elf in Middle Earth!  I pledged my undying loyalty to both them and the kingdom of Lórien.  It is my sworn duty to aid them whenever they have need of me and Lord Celeborn definitely needs me now."

The shadow returned. 

"You do not have to murder him directly.  You know, accidents happen all the time."

Haldir returned to normal.

"I will do no such thing."

The shadow returned.

"Wimp."

If anyone had been passing by at that point, they would have been met with the interesting sight of Haldir's face alternating between deranged and horrified while arguing with himself.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Oh Haldiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir?"

The one person argument immediately ceased at the sound of Celeborn's voice.  Haldir spun around and frantically looked around for a place to hide, but he was too late.  The Lord of Lórien raced over to the younger elf and wrapped his arms securely around Haldir's right arm.

Resisting the very tempting urge to scream, Haldir growled through his teeth. "Yes, my lord?"

"Dear Haldir," Celeborn smiled innocently at his new, self-appointed partner. "We can not make Galadriel jealous if we are not seen together in public.  We must walk arm-in-arm together through the very heart of Lórien so that everyone will see us and the gossip will spread to my wife."

As Celeborn spoke, Haldir was trying to pry his lord's arms off of his own arm with his hunting knife as a wedge. "I have a better idea, my lord.  Why do we not part ways here, walk to opposite ends of Lórien, and pretend that we did walk together?"

"Haldir, your jests are so amusing," Celeborn giggled as he began to forcefully drag Haldir back to the center of the kingdom.

The elven lord's grip on Haldir's arm tightened painfully and Haldir wondered how painful it would be to knaw his arm off like a fox in a metal trap.  If anyone asked, he could always say that an orc chopped it off.    

*          *          *

Galadriel sat alone on the balcony outside her chambers, trying not to look like she was brooding.  Her normally impassive demeanor had been shattered when Celeborn had announced that Haldir was his lover.  She had snuck away from the top of Cerin Amroth, amidst the confusion, before her reputation as the most emotionally constipated elf in Middle Earth was destroyed in a moment of bloody violence.  Since then, she was hard pressed to avoid anyone else for fear that she would snap.  Shutting oneself away from the world was very boring for the elf queen, so she tried to pass the time by polishing Nenya.  

As she polished, Galadriel found herself speaking out loud to fill the silence. "Nenya looks so beautiful when polished.  When Nenya looks beautiful, Galadriel looks beautiful.  If Galadriel makes Nenya look perfect, then Galadriel looks perfect."

"My lady?"  A maid stepped into Galadriel's chambers.  "My lady, would you care for anything to eat?  You have not partaken of any food all day."

"Yes, I would like something to eat," Galadriel growled through her teeth. "How about the boiled head of an elven lord doused in the intestinal juices of the Galadhrim's leader?  Perhaps both of their livers can be covered in a marinade made of their fingernails and served on the side."

"…Of…of course, my lady…whatever you say," The maid backed away toward the door very slowly. "I shall see what the cooks can do."

The door slammed behind a bit louder than the maid wanted as she ran for dear life.  Perhaps they were hiring maids in Imladris.

When the maid left, Galadriel mentally berated herself.  She should not have lost control as she did.  The Lady of Lórien was supposed to be perfect in every way.  She returned to polishing Nenya with new determination.

"Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect.  Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect.  Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect."

As she polished, Galadriel glanced down at her realm that stretched out below the balcony.  Unfortunately, the site she saw did nothing for her shattered composure.

Celeborn was walking arm-in-arm with Haldir.

If Galadriel had not been so enraged with her husband at the moment, she might have noticed that Haldir had a huge scowl on his face and was smacking Celeborn's arm repeatedly with a large rock.  She also would have noticed that Celeborn was practically dragging Haldir along.  However, Galadriel's sense of logic and reality had completely taken leave of her on Cerin Amroth.  All that she saw was her husband with his arms not only wrapped around another elf, but another male elf.  She wanted to scream curses.  She wanted to use Nenya to vaporize both of them.  She wanted to scream curses while using Nenya to vaporize both of them.  However, the Lady of Lórien knew that such a show of emotions would destroy her reputation.  So instead of doing anything to the elves shamelessly flaunting their (one-sided) love around Lórien, she began to polish Nenya in double-time."

"NenyaperfectGaladrielperfectNenyaperfectGaladrielperfectNenyaperfectGaladrielperfect…"

*          *          *

By the standards of all that visited the Golden Woods, Lórien was most beautiful at night.  The light of Eärendil and the full moon bathed the entire kingdom in an ethereal light.  In fact, it was often said that at night, the golden mallorn leaves became silver in the starlight.  This beauty was accentuated by the silence throughout the kingdom as all of its residents were lost in their own dreams.

On this night, however, two residents were definitely not lost in their dreams.  In fact, they were both wide awake and arguing loudly.

"Absolutely not!" Haldir bellowed.

"Honestly, Haldir, there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You know very well that elves involved in a relationship commonly share the same bed," Celeborn replied calmly.

"Yes, but we are not involved in a relationship!" Haldir stalked toward the door.

The Lord of Lórien sighed. "Do you think me blind, Haldir?  I see your discomfort from sleeping in that chair night after night.  I know that I have been a burden these past few weeks and so the least I can do is offer to share the bed which you so willingly allowed me to use," Celeborn patted the empty side of the bed. "Please, Haldir?"

The elven guard was skeptical. "How do I know that you are not planning on doing something to me while I sleep for the sake of your scheme?  I refuse to be used like this any longer."

Celeborn held up his hand and replied solemnly. "I give you my word as the Lord of Lórien that I will not do anything to you whilst you sleep."

With great caution and an unbelieving look in his eyes, Haldir made his way over to the bed.  He knew that Celeborn would never break a vow, but he still had the feeling that the elven lord was planning something.  Haldir paused, thinking that it might be safer to spend another night in the chair, but his bed called to him; his nice, soft, warm bed.  Just looking at the satin sheets made Haldir long to curl up in them and fall into blissful sleep.  

With a sigh of defeat, Haldir sat down on the bed and swung his legs around.  He could not remember ever sitting on something so soft and comfortable in all of his immortal life.  Haldir was about to pull the sheets up and fall asleep when Celeborn suddenly landed in his lap.

"What, in Eru's name, are you DOING?!" Haldir shouted as Celeborn wrapped his arms around the younger elf's neck and nuzzled his chest.  

"What does it look like, my love?  I am heating things up."

"I DO NOT WANT THINGS TO HEAT UP!" Haldir screeched as he tried to disentangle himself from Celeborn's grip.  But, the elven lord's arms were completely secure around his neck.  Haldir's eye began to twitch rapidly.  It seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"You said that you would not do anything!" Haldir growled between eye twitches.  

"I said that I would not do anything whilst you slept.  I did not say that I would not do anything while you were awake."

"GET OFF ME!!!!!" Haldir began struggling harder.

Celeborn simply looked at the younger elf innocently. "But if we do not create a romantic atmosphere, then how is the painting to look believable?"

Haldir instantly stopped struggling and paled. "What painting?"   

"Do you not remember that you arranged for an artist to paint a picture of me in bed with my chosen partner?  That painting would then be hung up on Galadriel's door to further prompt her jealousy."

"I was expecting you to choose a maiden, not me."

"It is too late.  The artist will be here anytime now," Celeborn began to divest Haldir of his shirt. "So why do we not get into the mood?"

The idea of having a painting created of him and the Lord of Lórien in bed together gave Haldir renewed strength.  With unelven strength, he managed to shove Celeborn off, jump out of bed, and bolt out the door.

*          *          *

While Celeborn and Haldir were busy arguing, it appeared that another was still awake in Lórien.  Galadriel was sitting in her private glade, filling up her mirror with water.  Nothing seemed to do anything toward calming herself.  Every time she tried to do anything, she would think of Celeborn and Haldir together and the composure she had managed to gather would scatter to the four winds.  Finally, she had to resort to the most drastic of measures.  The only way to take her mind off of her husband was to fill her mind with dark visions of the future.  

Galadriel sat down beside the mirror and allowed the visions to appear.  Legions of orcs ravished all of Middle Earth with their cruel touch.  The Dark Lord, once more having a physical form, stood atop Barad-dûr and laughed as all fell to his will.  The Eldar were slaughtered while younger elves were tortured and mutilated until they became orcs.

The visions suddenly vanished, much to Galadriel's surprise.  It was replaced by an image of Haldir crawling into bed and Celeborn leaping on top of him.  Had Galadriel been thinking clearly, she would have witnessed the argument between Haldir and her husband, as well as Haldir's hasty departure.  

However, Galadriel was not thinking clearly.  As a result, the mirror did not show what had actually transpired.  Instead, it reflected a vision from her mind.  Instead of running away, Haldir began to sensually kiss her husband.  Celeborn moaned as they undressed each other and prepared to go all the way.

The vision was cut off as Galadriel pushed the mirror off of its pedestal.  The great silver basin clanged to the ground and the water spilled out onto the ground.  Galadriel fell to her knees and shouted to the heavens.

"Curse you, Celeborn!  Curse you!"

**A/N:  Not my usual way of ending a chapter, but I needed to get things set up for chapter 7.  Keep the reviews and ideas coming, everyone.  They inspire me.  Coming up; Galadriel snaps and Haldir finds himself in even more trouble.  If you have any other ideas to add to the next chapter, send me a review. ****   **


	7. Galadriel Strikes Back

**Author's Notes: I'm back and I'm still in one piece!  The past week has been insane because of all the preparations for my brother's wedding last week. (Congratulations Jamie and Amy!!!!)  But now I am back and the story can continue.  As you may or may not have noticed, the rating has been upped for some risqué behavior in this chapter.  **

Tina, thanks for that lovely lecture on how elves became orcs.  I've read the Silmarillion and I do realize that the elves were corrupted.  However, the book says that they were corrupted "by slow arts of cruelty".  I assumed that this predominantly meant torture.  I also realize that Sauron wouldn't have such an ability, but keep in mind that Galadriel is seeing the worst fate that could befall Middle Earth.  Perhaps she fears that Sauron will be able to create orcs from elves like Melkor could.

THE RED HAIRED VIKING NAMED BILL BROTHER OF BOB: Cool name.  Very original.  I honestly have no idea who Fido is.

LordVaughan: …wow.  That had to be the longest review I've ever received.  Thanks!  I liked a lot of your ideas (one of which will definitely be featured in the chapter 8).  It really goes away from what I had in mind for the ending, but I really appreciate the ideas anyway.  Reading your review really helped to get me into that perfect mood I need to write. 

Plot Bunny Thanks go to;

Everyone who wanted Galadriel to get some revenge; this is for you!

Chapter 7: Galadriel Strikes Back

"Kill him."

"No."

"Kill him."

"No."

"Kill him."

"No."

Haldir stormed through Lórien, completely engaged in conversation with himself.  His face was alternating between sinister and annoyed every second or so.  He had been moving in no particular direction to throw Celeborn off the trail, which is very difficult to do when escaping an elf.  Just the thought of the elven lord following him never failed to send Haldir's eye into a twitching frenzy.

As he madly argued with himself, Haldir could have sworn he heard someone crying.  He stopped and listened carefully.  No, it was not him and the sound was far too feminine to be Celeborn.  Straining his elven ears, Haldir tried to pinpoint the source of the muffled sobs.  To his great surprise, the sounds seemed to be coming from Galadriel's private glade.  No one, save Celeborn until recently, was ever allowed to enter the Lady of Lórien's sanctuary without permission.  Still, the sobbing struck a chord in Haldir's heart and the elven guard found himself unconsciously moving toward the glade.

The site that met his eyes was enough to make Haldir's jaw drop.  Kneeling on the grass, next to the fallen mirror, and sobbing into her hands was the Lady of Lórien herself.  Tear stains marred her flawless beauty and caused strands of her golden hair to stick to her cheeks.  Had Haldir been a more intelligent elf, he would have seen the dangers of further involving himself.  However, his weakness for crying elves overruled his sense of logic.  Haldir carefully made his way into the glade, keeping as silent as elvenly possible.

Of course, no one had ever been able to approach Galadriel undetected since the First Age.  The sobbing elven queen lifted her head when she heard Haldir's approaching footsteps.  Upon site of the elven guard, Galadriel's eyes narrowed and she gave him an apprehensive look.  Haldir was amazed to see his queen actually show signs of emotion.

"Why have you come here?" She asked Haldir in a low, threatening voice. "Do you and Celeborn seek to torment me further?"

"Absolutely not, my lady!" Haldir immediately replied as he stopped in his tracks. "I merely heard your sobs and came to see if I could be of any aid."

"You wished to aid me?  How do I know you have not come to gloat over your affair with my husband?" 

"My lady, whatever my lord says, we are not having an affair."

"No, you are not having an affair.  You are merely having erotic sexual engagements every moment you are together that make even hobbits look celibate!" Galadriel spat back. 

Haldir began to lean back toward the glade's entrance as he quickly answered. "My lady, I swear to you that I did not have sexual relations with your husband."

"A likely story!" Galadriel bellowed.  She rose to her feet and grabbed Haldir by the throat before he could escape.  

"I *gasp* do *choke* not *gasp* love *wheeze* Celeborn!"

Galadriel loosened her grip and stared at the younger elf inquisitively. "You do not love Celeborn?"

"No!" Haldir rasped as he sucked air into his lungs.

"Well why not!" The Lady of Lórien resumed her grip on Haldir's throat. "Is he not good enough for you!?  Do you not appreciate his touches or his charismatic personality, or the way his eyes sparkle with delight when you walk in…the room…or…his beautiful…caring…warm…smile…"

As she yelled, Galadriel found herself hesitating as she listed multiple qualities possessed by Celeborn that she had never truly noticed before.  Her voice began to waver with each word that passed her lips.  Her grip on the elven guard's throat began to lessen until her arms dropped to her side.  As Haldir massaged his aching neck, he noticed that Galadriel was staring blankly into nothingness with a look of pure horror on her face.

"Oh Elbereth…" She gasped. "I actually have feelings for him…"

To Haldir's shock, fresh tears burst from the Lady of Lórien's eyes as she flung her arms around him and began sobbing into his chest. 

"I never imagined it would come to this!" Galadriel sobbed. "My father was always pressuring me to wed, but I never wanted to.  When I first married Celeborn, I assumed that we would simply act as joint rulers without having any physical contact.  But I was completely wrong!  All he wanted to do for the first hundred years or so was produce heirs.  When I finally agreed we conceived Celebrian.  I will not lie that that night was truly blissful, but I swore to myself afterwards that I would never let my emotions slip again.  As ruler of Lórien, I must put my kingdom before any personal feelings.  After Celebrian was born and had grown up, Celeborn grew…frisky again.  I told him that I did not want another child because of the excruciating back pain, even though that was not the truth.  Celeborn said that he understood and never broached the subject again.  Then I received Nenya and my composure started to slip.  All of the dark visions came and Celeborn was so supportive of me.  He never once mentioned sharing our bodies once throughout the entire second age.  Even after the Last Alliance, he never said anything about the subject."

Haldir winced as Galadriel squeezed harder.

"Then, all of a sudden, he declares that we should become one again.  But he does not understand!  He does not know how the visions haunt me constantly.  He does see the dangers that are coming.  He does not understand that Nenya is far more important than his libido!  All he can think of is himself.  He has not even considered that I may feel embarrassed because I am out of practice.  Eight thousand years is a long time, even to elves!"

Haldir's face clearly showed that that little bit of information was something he had not wanted to hear.

"And then Celeborn kept trying to seduce me, but his attempts were completely revolting.  I never wanted to marry him from the beginning.  I simply married to please my father.  Time after time I had told Celeborn that I had no desire for him, but then we were both intoxicated and my composure slipped and then I became pregnant!  Why can he not leave me alone?  But then I received my wish and he started to share his bed with you!"

"My lady, I told you that Celeborn and I are not having a relationship!"

Galadriel ignored Haldir's comment. "And then I started seeing visions of the two of you going at it like hobbits and I felt so strange.  It was as though I wanted no one to touch my husband but me.  I lost all of my senses in a fit of anger and now I find myself sobbing endlessly.  I can not stand this feeling!  Now all I want to do is just sit here and cry."

Haldir shifted uneasily in the Lady of Lórien's arms.  "I suppose then that you should just let the tears out, my lady."

"Hold me, Haldir!" Galadriel tightened her grip on the younger elf as a new wave of sobs erupted.

They stayed that way for over an hour; Galadriel crying helplessly against Haldir while the elven guard had his arms loosely wrapped around her in a reluctant gesture of comfort.  Gradually, the elf queen's sobs died down to an occasional whimper.  She trembled from exhaustion and carefully pulled Haldir closer to her.  Haldir, meanwhile, was racking his brain out in an attempt to find some way to extricate himself from his queen's grip of death.  Haldir was so deep in thought that he did not feel the hand that was removed from his neck and replaced on his chest.  He did, however, jerk his head up when he felt his neck being nuzzled by Galadriel's nose.  

"My…my lady?"  Haldir hesitated, unsure if Galadriel was aware of what she was doing.

Galadriel sighed dreamily. "Oh Haldir, you are such a nice elf.  Such a nice, sensitive, strong, masculine elf.  You would never do anything to hurt me, would you?"

Haldir gulped when he felt the hand begin to trace little patterns on his chest. "I-I have sworn absolute loyalty to you, my lady.  It would be treason to hurt you."

"Good," Galadriel practically purred.  "Because Celeborn was right about one thing."

Haldir would have run away in terror at that time if it was not for the fact that one of Galadriel's arms was still wrapped securely around his neck.  His breath caught in his throat when he felt her free hand slip underneath his tunic and start to rub over his muscles.  

"What was he right about, my lady?" The trapped elf squeaked.

Haldir suddenly found himself flat on his back with Galadriel straddling over him.  His wrists were pinned above his head by one of her hands while the other hand unlaced his tunic.  The Lady of Lórien gave him a predatory look and licked her lips.

"Eight thousand years is far to great a time to be abstinent.  And since Celeborn is nothing more than a waste of space, I think you will do quite nicely."

If he had been given the chance, Haldir would definitely have screamed.  However, Galadriel caught his mouth in a savage kiss before he could make a sound.  Haldir thrashed about, trying with all his might to free himself, but it so happened that Galadriel was not as weak as she looked.  Sometime near the end of the First Age, she had taken an interest in the dwarven style of wrestling.  Since then she had become strong enough lift three dwarves and well fed hobbit at once without breaking a sweat.  Unfortunately for Haldir, this complicated any plans of escape.  

Galadriel was just about to move her hands below Haldir's waist when a shrill voice screamed from the glade's entrance.

"Haldir you…you…HARLOT!!!!"  

Both elf queen and guard immediately turned their attention to Celeborn, who was watching them with a look of complete shock and disgust on his face.

The Lord of Lórien stared at Haldir with tears in his eyes. "I thought we meant something to each other, Haldir.  I thought you wanted me.  How could you take Galadriel to your bed when you know that I am waiting for you at home?  Is it my fault?  Do I not please you?  Please Haldir, I swear that I will do whatever it takes to please you."  
  


Galadriel glared at her husband.  She crawled off Haldir's chest and immediately latched onto his shoulders, pulling him into a lung-crushing embrace. "Sod off, Celeborn.  He is my love slave now!"

"I am nobody's love slave!" Haldir gasped as he tried not to be suffocated by his queen's ample chest.    

"Quiet!" Galadriel yelled at Haldir.

"Yes, this does not concern you!" Celeborn agreed.  "It concerns a certain elf who has forgotten the vows of love that we made thousands of years ago."

"Who cares about love!" Galadriel bellowed. "The only reason I married you was to stop my father's constant nagging.  You always knew that I never loved you!"

"I know you do not love me.  I was perfectly fine with it.  But elves change, Galadriel.  I changed.  Despite everything you said about how love meant nothing when Middle Earth was on the brink of destruction, I found myself falling in love with you.  Is that so wrong?"

"Royalty does not show emotions!  We do not act upon our natural desires!"

"And yet you take an elf to be your own personal concubine!" Celeborn glared at Haldir again before turning back to Galadriel.

"Only because you did!" Galadriel bellowed.

"Excuse me," Haldir spoke up timidly. "But I am no elf's concubine."

Celeborn snarled at the elven guard. "You are my lover, so get used to it.  I meant to keep you only until Galadriel becomes jealous and begs for me to take you back.  Since I can see that she will obviously not do that, then I suppose I had better keep you around."

"You took Haldir as your lover to make me jealous?" Galadriel's jaw dropped.  "You are more of an idiot than I thought, Celeborn.  I refuse to be used like this."

*You are not the only one.* Haldir mentally grumbled to himself.

Celeborn ceased shouting.  His bottom lip began to quiver as fresh tears leaked from his eyes. "I only wanted you to love me."

With that said, the Lord of Lórien ran with all speed from the glade.   

Haldir felt Galadriel release his neck and fully intended to follow the actions of his lord and flee.  However, his body would not move.  His limbs felt as though immovable weights were pressed against them, though he could see nothing holding him back.

"Struggling is useless, my dear Haldir," Galadriel purred and moved away. "The power of Nenya will keep you exactly where I want you.  Now that all disturbances are gone, _melethril, we can continue where we left off.  Will you not look?"_

Within his head, both of Haldir's personalities were screaming for him to close his eyes and pretend that this was not happening.  He had no idea what the Lady of Lórien wanted him to see, but he had a definite feeling that it would not be pleasant.  Unfortunately, Galadriel was not about to let her catch ignore her orders.  Casually waving Nenya, she forced the much younger elf to open his eyes and turn his head in her direction.

The site he saw was beyond disturbing.

Galadriel was standing in the center of the glade with one foot firmly planted on the stone pedestal that her mirror had, until recently, rested upon.  Her skirt had been pulled away to reveal her smooth, pale leg.  She ran a finger from her foot to just below her hip, where her elegant gown had fallen, in a very sensuous way.  

She gave Haldir a "come hither" gaze with her piercing eyes as she purred. "There is much more that I will let you see if you stop resisting me."

Haldir's rational mind screamed at him to refuse.  Galadriel, his _married queen, was trying to seduce an elf at least half her age and in a very unqueenly manner.  It suddenly occurred to him that saying yes might give him the opportunity to escape._

"Very well," Haldir tried to sound as calm as he could. "Release me and I will be happy to see what else I can be offered."

Triumph flashed in Galadriel's eyes as she released Haldir from Nenya's powers.  As soon as he was released, Haldir had run from the glade at a speed so great that Galadriel herself could not stop him.  

"A minor setback," Galadriel huffed as she lowered her leg and straightened her gown.  Pulling together her last shreds of elven dignity, she gracefully left the glade and made her way back to her own chambers.

**A/N: Poor Haldir is going through hell in this story.  For all of you who love Haldir and want to kill me for making him suffer, don't worry.  Help is on the way.  But who will it be?  Keep the ideas and reviews coming and you will find out.**


	8. Some Much Needed Help

**Author's Notes:  I've hit the 100 review mark!  Thank you everyone who has been kind enough to leave a review.  They really make my day and encourage me to keep writing.**

I've received several reviews asking me if Celeborn and Galadriel will resolve their differences by the time the fellowship arrives.  I don't want to say whether their differences will be resolved or not.  If I told you, it would spoil the story ;-).  However, the problem will come to a conclusion before the fellowship arrives.  I was also asked if any members of the fellowship will show up at some point.  In this chapter, one member of the fellowship does make an appearance.  The rest of the fellowship will show up for the "touching" conclusion.

Plot Bunny Thanks go to:

LordVaughn: I promised that one of your ideas would go into chapter 8, didn't I?  I loved your idea for how Haldir's helper would act.  Thanks again for the great review!

Everyone who wanted Gandalf to make an appearance.

Thinking in *     *

Chapter 8: Some Much Needed Help

As the sun began to set behind the Misty Mountains, a lone figure was moving toward Lothlórien at a great speed.  If he did not hurry, the sun would set and the orcs residing in the caverns around the Golden Wood would quickly overtake him.  He urged his horse to move faster, his worn grey robes flapping behind him from the speed in which he traveled.  Luck was on his side that night as he entered the woods just as the last rays of sunlight disappeared in the west.  Breathing a sigh of relief, he slowed his exhausted horse down to an easy walk.  The journey he was on was long and tiring for both him and his mount.  A night in the kingdom of Lórien was just what both of them needed to regain their stamina.

Or so he thought…

*          *          *

On the outskirts of Lórien, the head of the Ghaladrim was hiding out in the high branches of a mallorn tree.  His face was pale and his hair was matted and stuck to the sweat on his exposed neck and face.  His knees were pulled up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, much like a child would do.  Little whimpers escaped from his mouth as he gently rocked himself back and forth.  After the previous night's events, the elven guard had sought solitary refuge amongst the ancient trees and did not dare to move the entire day.  He was determined to keep silent, lest he alert anyone to his location.  However, the occasional whimpers that he could not control threatened to give away his position.  

"Haldir can not go back," His voice was scarcely above a whisper. "If Haldir goes back, they will be mean to Haldir.  Celeborn is a bad elf.  He took advantage of Haldir's hospitality.  Galadriel is a bad elf.  She tried to take advantage of Haldir's gorgeous body.  Haldir did not do anything wrong.  Haldir is a good elf.  Haldir is a good elf.  Haldir is a good elf."

The shadow passed over Haldir's face.

"You are not a good elf.  You are a cowardly elf."

Haldir returned to normal.

"I am not a coward.  I am a good elf."

The shadow fell upon him again.

"You are a coward and you know it."

"I am not!" Haldir growled at himself. "You are mean!"

"Wimp!"

"Jerk!" 

"Pansy!"

"Vile traitor!"

"Cry baby!"

"Cruel animal-kicker!"

"…Girly-elf!"

"Now wait just a moment!" Haldir roared as he jumped to his feet.  "You can call me a pansy, a wimp, and maybe even a coward, but NOBODY calls me a GIRL!"

"Then I shall simply call you Haldir," Came a voice from below the elf's hiding spot.  

The elven guard jumped in shock and nearly lost his balance on the tree branch.  Haldir steadied himself before glaring down at whoever had disturbed him.  If this person dared to tell anyone about Haldir name-calling himself, he would dearly regret it when arrows were fired repeatedly at his head.  He received a very pleasant surprise when he identified who was below him.  

The figure was rather tall and clad completely in shades of grey from his boots to his pointy hat.  His grey beard fell halfway down his chest and his grey hair was swept around his shoulders like a small cloak.  He held a long wooden staff in one hand while the other held the reins of an exhausted horse.  Haldir caught a bit of the figure's scent with his sensitive nose; pipeweed and earth.  

"Well met, Mithrandir!" Haldir called down to him.  "Not many can sneak up on a member of the Ghaladrim and catch him off guard so efficiently."  

Mithrandir, grey wizard of the Istari, smiled up at the elven guard. "No indeed, Haldir.  But the task was easy today.  Just about anyone could sneak up on you unnoticed when you are yelling so loudly to no one in particular."

Haldir's face flushed slightly at the Istari's words.  It was true.  If anyone found out that he was so easily caught off his guard, he would become the laughing stock of the Ghaladrim.  Shaking the thought from his head, Haldir began to climb down from the tree.  He landed without a sound next to the Grey Pilgrim and managed a smile.

"It has been far too long since you last came to Lórien, Mithrandir.  How go things with you?"

Mithrandir smiled back. "Indeed it has been too long, Haldir, but I am sorry to say that my stay here will be a short one.  I am heading north to the Shire to visit a young hobbit friend of mine.  I am in haste and only stopped here because the sun has set and the orcs beyond these borders are relentless at night."

"Indeed," Haldir nodded gravely. "The foul beasts are multiplying faster than even the elves can keep track of.  Something tells me that there is more to your journey than simply visiting a friend, though.  Why would you be in haste, unless something urgent has come to your attention?"

"Perceptive as always, Haldir. I would expect nothing less from you," Mithrandir chuckled before his voice became somber.  "Something urgent has come to my attention.  While in Minas Tirith, I found several documents written by Isildur on the One Ring.  I have reason to believe that this hobbit I am on my way to visit may now be in possession of the One Ring."

Haldir's eyes widened in disbelief.  *The One Ring still exists!  And in the hands of a halfling, no less!  If what Mithrandir believes is true, then Middle Earth is about to take a turn for the worse.*

"Of course," Mithrandir chuckled again. "I could be completely wrong.  Perhaps all of my long years have made me paranoid.  I am fairly certain that he does not possess the One Ring, but I need to check anyway.  One can not be too careful."

"And if the hobbit does have the One Ring?"

Mithrandir beamed as he answered innocently. "If a hobbit is in possession of the One Ring, then we are all going to die."         

Both the Istari and the elven guard stared at each other for a moment before they burst out laughing.  The idea of a hobbit; a short, squat, humble, eternally hungry hobbit; with the all powerful One Ring of Sauron was positively hilarious.

"Much as I am enjoying this conversation, Haldir, I fear that I must move on to the city," Mithrandir chuckled as he wiped a tear of mirth from his eyes. "I should inform Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn of my arrival."

The Istari noticed the elf beside him stiffen. 

"Is there something wrong, Haldir?" He questioned.

Haldir sighed. "I am not sure how to put this into words.  I suppose it would be easiest to say that Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn are having a severe disagreement about their relationship and have separated."

"Really?" Mithrandir brought his face closer to the elf's.  Haldir's eyes told him that the elf was holding back something important. "And what part do you have in this 'disagreement'?"

The elf sighed again and looked down at his boots. "Unfortunately, I am caught in the middle of their quarrels and can not get out of it.  Both of them look to me to ease their pain, but things only get worse when I try to help.  I am sorry.  You do not need to hear my woes when you have more important matters to attend to."

"No, Haldir.  Tell me of your troubles.  Perhaps it may help to ease your mind," The Istari replied in the same voice one would use to comfort a troubled child.

"I fear there is too much to tell for your short stay," Haldir sighed. "I do not wish to delay your journey north."

Mithrandir pulled out hip pipe and began to fill it with pipeweed as he responded. "It will hardly delay my journey at all.  Besides, I am sure that the hobbit will find any reason to delay his departure as much as possible.  I am sure that a few spared hours will change nothing."

Haldir needed no further prompting as he immediately launched into a full account of the past week's events.  He started from the moment he found Celeborn and gave full details of his lord's schemes and the meetings with both of his brothers.  He retold the backfired attempt to find a fake lover for Celeborn and how his lord had taken the plan too seriously.  Haldir's face paled and his voice faltered slightly as he described Galadriel's uncharacteristic advances and the fight with Celeborn in the grove over him.  Mithrandir listened with rapt attention to the elven guard's tales, silently puffing on his pipe and blowing occasional smoke rings.  One could easily tell that the Istari was analyzing each event that Haldir spoke of very carefully.

"The worst part about this," Haldir continued. "is that I keep hearing this voice that is constantly insulting me and telling me to do treasonous things to my lord and lady.  Then I realized that the voice was actually my own.  It worries me greatly because it scares all of the maidens away.  How can I find a bit of passion to ease my stress levels when all of the ladies see me arguing out loud with myself and think I am insane?"

Mithrandir abruptly stopped his smoking and gave Haldir a closer look. "So you are saying that what I heard earlier was an argument with yourself?  Most curious."

Haldir sent the Istari a pleading look. "Do you know what is wrong with me, Mithrandir?"

"Most certainly!" Mithrandir replied with a slight note of indignation. "You have elven schizophrenia, though I have not seen a case this serious since Glorfindel got kicked in the head by that old mule.  The poor fellow was so intoxicated and mistook the beast's rump for a maiden's chest.  Ah yes, that mule had a very rude awakening.  It was a most depressing time in Imladris after that incident, what with him switching between the personality of a respectable elf lord and that of a dwarven cheese taster and part time male stripper named Bobo."

"Is there a cure?" Haldir yelped.  The thought of cheese tasting sounded a bit too fattening, though he had to admit that the stripping might win back a few hearts.

The Istari stroked his long grey beard as he thought.  Taking a long drag on his pipe, his face lit up when an answer finally struck him. "In truth, I have no idea.  I was not there when they finally did something to help him.  Elrond mentioned it to me a while ago, but my memory is a bit hazy."

"You do not remember what the cure was?" Haldir cried out in horror. "You are renowned for your excellent memory, Mithrandir.  How could you not remember Lord Elrond's words?"

"I am not sure," Mithrandir's face scrunched up in concentration. "I recall scaring a few hobbits by waving my staff around in order to obtain three crates of Longbottom Leaf earlier that day, but everything that happened for the rest of the week was a complete blur.  Now that I think about it, when things became clear again, all of my Longbottom Leaf was gone.  One day, I vow that I will catch the pipeweed pilferer and turn him into a sloth.  No one takes my pipeweed and gets away with it.  It is mine; my own, my love, my preciousss…"

As he spoke, Mithrandir pulled out a leaf of pipeweed and began to gently caress it.  He held the leaf up to his mouth and whispered more endearments to it.

It was then that Haldir completely understood why elves did not smoke.

"Ah yes," Mithrandir smiled as he gingerly put the leaf away. "I believe that all of our talk has made me quite thirsty."

The Istari reached into his saddle bag and pulled out a clear bottle filled with red liquid.  Haldir stared at it curiously.  The markings upon the bottle clearly showed that it had come from Gondor.

"Gondor's finest red wine," Mithrandir smiled at Haldir's curiosity. "It is made from the richest grapes in Middle Earth.  Old Denethor has quite a collection of this wine and keeps it under lock and key.  Not that such things can stop me," He winked. "I am sure that he will not miss a few bottles."

"You stole the Steward of Gondor's wine?" Haldir raised an eyebrow at Mithrandir.

"Believe me, Haldir, he will not notice anything is missing.  Besides, this wine is special.  Because of the way it is prepared, this wine affects all races differently."

"How so?"

"For instance, this wine tastes very sweet to men; more like a fruit juice than alcohol.  It takes many glasses of this wine to intoxicate a man.  An elf, on the other hand, would become inebriated after only a few sips.  Rather remarkable stuff.  Elrond is particularly fond of it, what with him being half human and half elf.  He says it gives him quite a…what was the word? … 'buzz'.  I thought that perhaps a few bottles would please him enough to let me drop a hobbit or two on his doorstep in case I am right.  I would help them deal with the One Ring instantly if my friend did have it, but I could never afford to feed their insatiable appetites."  

"Wait," Haldir held up a hand to stop Mithrandir from speaking further. "You said that this wine is very potent for elves, did you not?"

"I did."

"How potent?"

Mithrandir scratched his chin through his beard. "I have heard that elves start to have hallucinations after one glass.  Yes, I would say that one glass of this wine will intoxicate even the hardiest elves."

Haldir's eyes lit up as a wicked smile spread across his face.  The answer to all of his problems was lying there in the Istari's hands.  Plans quickly formulated within his mind which both of his personalities strongly agreed on.  

"Mithrandir, do you suppose I could take one of those bottles off your hands?"

**A/N:  Oh the suspense!  What is Haldir up to?  Could it have anything to do with Celeborn and Galadriel?  The end is coming; only a chapter and an epilogue left.  Any last minute ideas would be wonderful and, naturally, all reviews are welcome.**

With "An Elf Lord Has Needs" nearing completion, I've been thinking about what I'm going to write next.  I have already begun to map out an action/adventure that takes place post ROTK that involves the remainder of the fellowship and a very familiar ghost.  I won't say anymore because I don't want to spoil anything.  I'm also considering writing a spin off of "Elf Lord" with a few comedic short stories about the untold stories of other elves; such as Elrond, Arwen, and possibly Glorfindel and Thranduil.  What does everyone think?  Do my ideas sound interesting, or should I scrap them immediately?  Send me an answer in a review.              


	9. Wine and Reconciliation

**Author's Notes:  Thanks a lot to everyone who was able to review before the site shut down (all five of you).  Based on your responses, it looks like I'm definitely going to do my short stories on other notable elves, though none from the Silmarillion because I haven't finished reading it yet.  Now all I have to decide is what to write about each of them.  I have Glorfindel's story planned out, but I'm missing one tiny piece of information.  Does anyone know when he came back from the Halls of Mandos?  Suggestions are VERY welcome.  I've also begun to write the prologue to my post ROTK story.  I guarantee that it will be a lot more serious than what I normally write, but I'll throw in some zany hobbit antics for good measure.  **

Now, for the author's notes on _this story.  I'm very sorry that it took so long to update.  My job takes up a lot of hours and my free time has been spent helping out with a huge video production project.  Rest assured, for I have not forgotten my dear readers.  I've even made this chapter the longest one yet.  The end is coming!  Haldir's plan goes into action and the elven Odd Couple finally lets their true feelings for each other out.  How will it end?  You just have to read to find out.  Celeborn actually shows signs of intelligence in this chapter.  I should warn you that there's some nice drunken insanity in this chapter._

Plot bunny thanks go to:

Kim- Your original suggestion for a romantic dinner has evolved just a 'teeny' bit, but it was still your idea.  Even though you never want to see LotR, I'll forgive you for now.

Chapter 9:** Wine and Reconciliation**

For some bizarre reason, the next day was uncomfortably hot.  Usually, Lothlórien remained a constant, comfortable, seventy-three degrees Fahrenheit with an occasional breeze.  On this day, however, the sun pierced through the mallorn trees and roasted anything that did not seek shelter.  The heat was so stifling that even the elves were suffering.  Any normal elf knew that venturing outside on a day like this was pure folly.

Of course, some elves could never, in good conscious, be labeled as "normal".

Lord Celeborn was pacing to and fro in a clearing on the edge of the elven city.  He ignored the rivers of sweat falling down his brow as he eagerly anticipated what was to come.  Earlier that morning he had received a summons from Haldir, asking him for a private meeting.  Naturally, the Lord of Lórien could not refuse.  It had occurred to him that, despite being away from Galadriel and courting another elf, he still had not gotten any sweet elf lovin'.  Haldir must have realized this as well.  After all, why else would he ask the elf lord to come alone to this secluded area?  

Celeborn shifted nervously on his feet.  He had not lain with another in over eight thousand years.  While he still remembered the motions, he was afraid that he had forgotten the proper ways to initiate foreplay.  And then there was his outfit.  Should he have dressed more seductively or should he have worn even more layers to give Haldir a proper workout?  These thoughts buzzed through his mind like a hive of honey bees, causing a most annoying ringing in his ears.  Or perhaps this was because the heat was starting to get to him.

A rustle of leaves to his right caused Celeborn to stop his pacing.  Standing before him was Haldir in his Ghaladrim robes, though they were looser than usual to stand the heat.  The elven guard was leaning against a tree with a very inviting look on his face.  He sauntered up to his lord and gave him his patented lady-killer smile.

"What is this, my lord?" Haldir purred as he ran a fingertip over Celeborn's sweaty brow. "You are sweating.  Does this mean that my presence is heating you up?"

Celeborn was at a loss for words as his mind fogged over and his knees began to shake.  Or perhaps that was because he was about to pass out from heat.  He returned Haldir's smile with one of pure adoration.  

The elven guard's smile shifted from sensual to mischievous as he backed away.  Celeborn scowled from the loss of contact, but Haldir took no notice.

"What do you say, my lord?  Would you like to see how I deal with this heat?"  

"Oh yes!"  Celeborn nodded vigorously.  "I would like to see that very much indeed."  

Haldir winked and began to undo the already loose laces of his tunic.  Celeborn felt his mouth become dry at the site.  Or perhaps that was because the he was dehydrated.  With the laces undone, Haldir slowly divested himself of the tunic and revealed his bare chest.  Celeborn felt himself growing woozy.  When the younger elf reached for his leggings, Celeborn fell to the ground in a dead faint.  The elf lord would later tell people that he had passed out from the pure bliss of watching Haldir strip, but the truth was that he had suffered from an extreme case of heat exhaustion.  

"That was too predictably easy," Haldir chuckled to himself as he picked up the unconscious elf lord and slung him over his shoulder.  So far, his plan was going perfectly.  After he deposited Celeborn in a designated area and made sure he couldn't escape, Haldir set off to find Galadriel.

*          *          *

On a hot day like this one, there was only one place that Galadriel could possibly be; sitting in her glade and staring at her mirror.  She had thought that the sudden heat wave must have been the work of the Dark Lord and was currently looking all over Middle Earth for something that proved her theory.  Sadly, she was having no luck.  It would appear that a simple weather fluctuation was something she had never considered.  Galadriel wiped the sweat from her face and tried to ignore the desire for water as she doggedly searched her mirror for any trace of Sauron.  

The Lady of Lórien was so absorbed in her search that she failed to hear the sounds of someone entering the glade.  It was not until two arms encircled her shoulders that Galadriel was snapped back into reality.

"You work too hard, my lady," a strong, deep voice whispered into her pointed ear. "You really must learn to relax.  Perhaps I can help you with that."

Galadriel shivered as the breath from that recognizable voice passed over her ear. "How do you plan to help me, Haldir?"

Haldir chuckled and turned her in his arms so that they stood face to face. "I propose that we play a game."

"What sort of game?" Galadriel smiled when she noticed the younger elf was clad in naught but his grey leggings.

The elven guard pulled away and smiled devilishly. "A most delightful game, my lady.  The reward for winning shall be most pleasurable."

"And what must I do to claim this reward?"

"Catch me and you shall have it," Haldir passed a hand over his bare chest, making Galadriel shiver with pleasure.

"When shall we begin to play, _melethril?" Galadriel smiled invitingly._

"Right now."

With those words, Haldir took off like an arrow from a bow.  Galadriel blinked once in amazement.  Haldir seemed to have gotten much faster in the past few days for some reason unknown to the Lady of Lórien.  With a predatory grin on her face, she took off after the younger elf at full speed.  Both elves noiselessly zipped below and among the mallorn branches in their wild chase.  If Galadriel had been paying attention to anything other than the shirtless elf in front of her, she might have noticed that he was leading her back into the city.  

Haldir chanced a quick glance behind him to make sure that the Lady of Lórien was still following him.  He was not disappointed.  Galadriel was only a few yards behind him.  Smiling triumphantly to himself, the elf guard changed direction and began to head up the long, winding staircase that led to the audience chamber and personal quarters of the Lord and Lady of Lórien.  Galadriel took no notice, so intent was she on catching her precious little Haldir.  With a speed only an elf could manage, Haldir reached the top of the stairs and ran straight into the lord and lady's bedroom.  Galadriel finally took notice of her surroundings as she passed through the ornate doors and grinned.  It would appear that Haldir wished for her to claim her reward in her own bedroom.  *How naughty of him."  

Galadriel stopped inside her room, for it was completely dark and there was no sign of Haldir.  Confused, the Lady of Lórien stepped forward, only to hear the door slam behind her, a latch click and footsteps running away.  Galadriel mentally berated herself for being led so easily.  It was only then that she noticed movement on the other side of the room, as well as a several lit candles.  The Lady of Lórien moved toward the light and was shocked at what she saw.

A small table was set up with a red satin table cloth as well as two wine goblets and several dozen bottles of foreign wine.  Two chairs were set up on either side of the table.  Sitting in one of those chairs was a very confused looking Celeborn.        

"Oh.  It is you," a tone of disgust threatened to break through Galadriel's monotone voice. "What are you doing here?"

"What I am doing here is none of your business," Celeborn shot back. "In any case, you would not understand."

The urge to roll her eyes was hastily suppressed by the Lady of Lórien. "Do not take me for a fool, Celeborn.  You are waiting here for Haldir."

"You only know that because you read my mine, you cheater," Celeborn grumbled before raising his voice back to a normal level. "A lucky guess, my lady.  And you are correct.  I wonder where that handsome mass of elf muscles has gotten too.  No doubt he is planning something very special for me."

*Valar, can anyone be more oblivious?* Galadriel groaned inwardly. "Celeborn, you moron, do you not see that this is all a setup?  Haldir has tricked both of us in order to bring us together.  He wants us to reconcile, though I thought I made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing more to do with you."

"He did what!?" The Lord of Lórien jumped to his feet. "That traitorous little snake!  How dare he play coy with me!  When I get him, he will be made to clean the stables for the next thousand years with a spoon!"

"A spoon, Celeborn?  I would be better if he could use naught but his bare hands."

"Exactly!"

Celeborn and Galadriel nodded in agreement before realizing what they were doing and immediately turned their backs to each other.  The silence that followed was almost deafening.

"So…" Celeborn broke the silence after a few minutes. "I suppose that we should go our separate ways now."

"We cannot," Galadriel replied neutrally from her side of the room.

Celeborn sent a glare over his shoulder at his wife's back. "And why is that?  It would be a simple task to open the door and leave."

"Haldir locked it."

"Then we can simply unlock it," a tiny growl was interlaced with the elf lord's words.

"I put a ward upon the doors during the Second Age that keeps them shut against any force when locked.  They cannot simply be 'unlocked'.  I am surprised that you have forgotten that."

Celeborn found his patience wearing very thin. "So use Nenya to blast them open.  At least then that ring would be used for something productive."

"Fool," Galadriel sighed. "The ward was created in case Sauron gained control of Nenya.  If that happened, then many could hide in here and not have to fear the ring breaking down the doors."

"That, my dear," Celeborn turned around and stormed over to his wife. "was the STUPIDEST idea you have ever had.  Did it ever occur to you what would happen if the doors were locked by accident?  How would one get out then?"

"They would be trapped in here for all time.  I had assumed that no elf would ever be careless enough to lock themselves in a warded room.  That mistake is only made by humans and drunken hobbits."  

"This is just wonderful!" Celeborn threw his hands into the air as he shouted. "I am to be trapped for all eternity with a living block of ice.  I was worried about not getting any before, but now I am guaranteed to remain celibate for the rest of my life!  Valar, why do you torture me like this?" 

"Oh stop whining, Celeborn!" Galadriel spun around to face her exasperated husband. "That is all you ever do anymore!"

"I do not!"

Galadriel's voice went up an octave in a mocking tone as she waved her hands about. " 'Galadriel, why will you not do me anymore?'. 'I am not being selfish, I just want to have hot animal sex instead of fighting the Dark Lord.'.  'Galadriel, do not take my whore Haldir.' 'Why are the Valar so mean to me?'.  Honestly, Celeborn, you are not acting a day over fifty."

"I do not sound that pathetic," Celeborn grumbled as he flopped back into one of the two chairs and began to sulk.

Galadriel wanted to counter that statement with something particularly nasty, but decided that it was best to keep at least some of her dignity intact.  

As he pouted and sulked, Celeborn's eyes spotted the bottles of wine upon the table. 

"Well," he sighed and reached for the closest bottle. "If we are forced to remain in here with you for the next few millennia, I suppose we should make the best of it.  Would you like a glass?"

"I will take nothing you offer," Galadriel huffed as she crossed her arms defiantly.

"Very well," Celeborn popped the cork and inhaled deeply. "It is your loss, seeing as how this wine smells delectable.  I suppose that means more for me then."

Galadriel glared at her husband as he poured himself a glass and began to drink.  She refused to admit it, but she was extremely thirsty.  The abnormally hot weather, along with the wild chase she and Haldir had engaged in earlier, had made her mouth and throat dry with dehydration.  To see Celeborn pour himself a second glass of that cool, refreshing liquid was sheer torture to her parched mouth.  She found the last remnants of liquid within her body dripping from her tongue in longing for such smooth, fragrant, and tantalizing refreshment.  It took her several moments before she suddenly realized that she was unconsciously moving toward the table.

"Wha's this?" Celeborn's words were slightly slurred as he watched Galadriel's approach. "Couldit be tha' Galadral's goin' backon 'er word?"

Scattering the last remnants of her dignity to the four winds in favor of satiating her thirst, the Lady of Lórien dropped into the second chair. 

"Just shut up and pour the wine," she growled and held out a glass.

Celeborn gave her a lopsided grin as he picked up the bottle with shaky hands and poured the wine, spilling half of it on the tablecloth.  

Two drinks later…

"Hee hee hee hee hee!"  Galadriel giggled like an elfling, her face bright red. "Ooooooohhh.  Lookit all the pretty colors!"

"Pretty colors!" Celeborn chimed in, equally red in the face. "Pretty colors swirl all 'roun da room!"

Celeborn spun around, but his 'slightly' inebriated state caused him to loose his balance and fall flat on his royal bum.  Galadriel watched this and began laughing hysterically.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!  Cel'brn fall down go boom!  Funny Cel'brn!"

"Stoppit stoppit!  I not funny!" Celeborn snarled through his drunken slur as he attempted to stand again. "I Lord o' Lorrrrrren.  Lord o' pretty colrs swirlin' all round an' round," he fell back again. "Pretty colrs aroun' me.  Pretty colrs round you.  You got pretty colors.  Pretty colors wit' pretty elf.  You pretty elf."

"Me pretty elf!" Galadriel beamed and reached for the bottle again. "Pretty elf need 'nother drinky."

"More drinky!" Celeborn chimed in and pulled himself back onto his chair, his empty goblet thrust high in the air.  

Six drinks later…

"Me love drinky!  Goo' drinky wit da prettyprettycolrs!"  Celeborn was currently engaged in prancing around the room and singing horribly off key. "Celly-bon like ta drinky wit da prettyelf an' da pretty lilaminals."

It was then that Celeborn seemingly tripped over his own feet and went crashing face first into the floor.  But Galadriel knew better.  It was the little purple penguin in the alligator skin top hat that tripped him.  She scowled at the penguin as it walked over and began to poke Celeborn's head with its flipper.  

"Bad pengeen!" Galadriel stumbled to her feet and charged the tiny purple waterfowl. "Pengeenleave Celly 'lone!  No pokes Celly!"  

The plastered Lady of Lórien went in for a full out body slam on the penguin, but crafty little bugger scampered out of the way and the forces of gravity pulled Galadriel directly on top of her husband.  Celeborn was jolted awake by the impact and managed to find his voice.

"Wha' 'appened?"

"Bad pengeen," Galadriel nodded solemnly. "Naughty 'urple pengeen witda alli-ga-ter 'at."

"Oh.  Stupypengeens 'gain.  Das da tird time disweek they come.  Me nolike da pengeens.  'Cept for prettycolrs.  Like da purty colrs.  Purtylike you."

"Hee hee!" Galadriel giggled again and crawled back to the table for more wine. "Me prettyelf."

It was then that the Lady of Lórien looked over at her inebriated spouse and a revelation hit her.  Through her completely obscured vision, she no longer saw her pale, skinny, useless husband.  Instead, she was looking at the most handsome god in Middle Earth.  He was tall and muscular with a deep bronze tan.  His hair was long and perfectly groomed.  His very presence radiated with elven sexiness.  He was the drunken vision of perfection.  It was then that a strange urge to bite her husband came over Galadriel.

So she did.

Celeborn was so inebriated that he did not even feel the little nip on his neck.  All he cared about was plucking the purple feathers off of the penguins and then getting another drink.  Galadriel, however, was taken aback by her actions.  No, she was not taken aback because she had bitten him; she was taken aback because she wondered why she had not bitten him sooner.  Not only was he gorgeous to her blurred eyes, but he tasted absolutely scrumptious.  Her body ached to taste him again.  Her stomach growled with hunger for his flavor.  But, she knew that she couldn't eat him unless she had something to wash it down with.    

She managed to pour at least a small portion of the wine into her goblet while the rest spilled over her gown. "Me prettyelf.  You prettierelf.  Prettierelf an' prettyelf drinky more."

One bottle later…

"Colrs' spinny roun' an' roun'!  Dance lilcolrs!  Dance wit Galadry!"

Galadriel spun around faster and faster, giggling nonstop.  Her once white dress was permanently stained a deep red shade.  Round and round she spun until her head could take no more and her knees buckled.  The Lady of Lórien fell with an ungraceful _thump on her back and did not even twitch.  Celeborn flopped over to her side and stared down at her._

"You 'k prettyelf?  Spinny make you goplop."

The fallen elf suddenly pulled Celeborn down until they were face to face. 

"Shaddup an' kiss me 'andsome," she growled before sealing their lips together.

What followed could only be described as loud, obnoxious, far too eager, elf lovin'.  As Galadriel and Celeborn made their way clumsily to the bed, the elf downstairs began to pound on the ceiling in an attempt to shut them up.  However, the two nobles countered the racket by making even louder moans and other erotic noises in order to drown it out.  Needless to say, not many people in the vicinity of Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers were able to sleep that night.

*          *          *

As morning light broke through the mallorn trees, two elves woke up to find themselves completely naked and entwined in the arms of the person they hated most.  To make matters worse, both were battling enormous hangovers.

"What exactly did we do last night?" Celeborn grimaced from the feel that something had crawled into his mouth and died overnight.  

"I would think that was painfully obvious," Galadriel groaned and threw a pillow over her head to block out the sunlight streaming down upon their bed.  

Celeborn hung his head in shame as he reached for his discarded robe that had somehow been stuck to the ceiling. "I wonder how that got up there?" he wondered out loud before turning back to his wife. "I suppose that you despise me now, more than ever.  I shall go now."

"No," Galadriel grabbed his wrist and yanked him back down. "I do not want you to go."

"I do not understand.  You said that you did not wish to share your body with mine."

"I did not.  That is…I did not want to share it while sober."

"So you think that I am desirable only when you have had too much wine?"

"Precisely."

The Lord of Lórien sighed and pulled the robe over his shoulders. "I do not think I could ever live with that.  You do not desire me in the daylight, but you do desire me at night when you are drunk.  It is very discouraging"

"Who says that I would only want you at night?  If I were under the influence of that wine, I suppose I would like a repeat of last night's festivities right now."

Celeborn's eyes lit up hopefully as he searched his wife's face for any trace of sincerity. "What do you mean?"

He was rewarded with a naughty smile from Galadriel.  She spoke soft and seductively as she pulled the robe off of Celeborn. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life and I wish to relive it over and over again.  Tell me, sweet Celeborn, do we have any more bottles of that wine left?"

The Lord of Lórien glanced over to the dozens of bottles stacked up along the wall. "I believe we have enough to last us a long time."

"Good," Galadriel purred and reached for a new bottle. "After all, we can not be blamed by any for shirking our duties when we are intoxicated.  Tis only natural to spend time away from work when under the influence of alcohol."

Celeborn pulled her into his arms and uncorked the bottle of wine. "Then what are we waiting for?  Let us shirk some duties right now."

"Indeed," Galadriel did not bother to look for a goblet as she took the bottle from his hands. "I believe the humans have a saying, my husband.  'Bottoms up'!" 

With that said, Galadriel took an enormous swig of the wine.

"Bottoms up indeed, sweet lady, for there is only one bottom that I want to see up in the air this morning." Celeborn chuckled as he took a swallow from the offered bottle and prepared for a repeat performance.  

**A/N:  To be concluded…    **


	10. The Touching Conclusion

**Author's Notes: I promised all of you that the Fellowship would make an appearance at the very end, and here they are!  Sadly, the Lord and Lady aren't seen, but you know they're there.  Wow, I can't believe the story's over.  Thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed and gave me encouragement.  The complete list of major thank-yous will be at the very end, so I don't delay everyone from reading the final chapter of "An Elf Lord Has Needs".  Rest assured, I will keep writing more stories for your entertainment.**

Plot bunny thanks go to;

Genki neko-chan: Beta reader and one person sound effects machine.

Chapter 10: The "Touching" Conclusion

With their bodies and hearts weary, the remaining eight members of the Fellowship took their rest within Lórien.  Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn had graciously provided soft couches and warm blankets for each of them beneath the staircase leading to the main audience chamber and royal quarters.  One by one, the hobbits began to fall asleep.  Gimli glanced about warily as he polished one of his axes, though his eyes were beginning to droop.  Aragorn sat away from the others among the roots of a mallorn tree, trying to console a very distraught Boromir.  Legolas was perched among the mallorn branches, listening intently to the mournful elven laments for Mithrandir and silently adding his own lyrics.

As the voices faded away, exhaustion fell upon the still awake members of the Fellowship.  They made their way to the couches and were about to fall asleep when Legolas suddenly snapped into a sitting position.  Sleep vanished instantly from human and dwarf eyes as they stared questioningly at the elf.  Legolas cocked his head to one side, straining his sensitive ears to listen to some far off sound.  His face scrunched up in confusion at the strange noise that rang through his ears.  

It was only a few seconds before the others could make out a faint noise that steadily grew louder.

_tink__ tink __tink __tink _

The four of them looked up and saw a single bottle rolling down the giant staircase, tinking lightly as it hit each step.

_tink__ tink __tink __tink ___

It was at this point that the noise awoke the hobbits.  Frodo and Merry's attentions were immediately drawn to the solitary bottle while Pippin and Sam rubbed the last remnants of sleep from their eyes.  Soon, eight pairs of eyes were focused on nothing but the bottle that tinked down to the ground.

_tink__tink __tink wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl_

The Fellowship silently watched the bottle as it spun around on the ground beneath the final stair.  No one was sure what to make of the situation, so they all simply stood there.  Boromir finally shook his head, breaking the stillness, and stopped the bottle's spinning with his foot.  The label upon the now silent bottle caught his eye and he stooped down to take a closer look.  Boromir's eyes widened as he turned the bottle over in his hands and noticed the White Tree symbol upon the label.

"I do not believe this," he muttered before turning to the rest of the Fellowship. "This is one of the types of wine that my father collects.  Shortly before I left for Imladris, he noticed that several bottles had disappeared.  We all suspected that Mithrandir may have taken some after his last visit, but how did this wine end up here?"  

Aragorn took the bottle and also examined it carefully. "I have no idea how this came to the Golden Wood.  What troubles me more is who has been drinking it.  Lord Elrond has told me of the effects this wine has on elves.  What elf would be crazy enough to consume such potent alcohol?"

Legolas' ears suddenly picked up the distant sound of muffled sighs and moans.  He carefully traced the sound and was shocked to find that it was coming from above them; from Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers.  Judging from the faint noises, Legolas could tell that they were having a _very good time.  The Prince of Mirkwood's cheeks flushed a deep scarlet color that did not go unnoticed by the others._

"Legolas, are you alright?" Frodo gazed up at the elf. "Your face has turned very red."

"Do not trouble yourself, Frodo," Legolas quickly answered back, trying not to notice the strange looks he was receiving from the others. "My grief for Mithrandir has caused my face to redden with unshed tears."

Aragorn was about to point out that what the elf said was completely untrue, but Legolas cut him off. "If you will all excuse me, I need to be alone now.  I shall see you all in the morning."

With that said, Legolas sprinted away into the thick trees.  He had left just in time, for the moans from above were starting to increase in volume.  

The rest of the Fellowship stared off in the direction that the elf had gone, each clearly confused.  Aragorn finally shrugged and lay back down on his couch.  He had long ago learned that it was best not to question the actions of elves.  As the ranger was about to close his eyes, he suddenly heard a faint noise coming from above them.  It sounded almost like someone having a very pleasurable experience.  Aragorn sat up again and listened carefully with his sharp ears.  He soon learned that he was wrong.  It did not sound almost like someone having a pleasurable experience; it sounded exactly like someone was having a pleasurable experience.  And the sounds were growing louder.    Legolas' blush and retreat into the forest suddenly made perfect sense to the ranger.  A shiver of disgust ran down the human's spine.  It was one thing to overhear random strangers making love, but he was hearing his future wife's grandparents!  Aragorn grimaced and decided to follow Legolas' lead and make a hasty exit before things got too steamy.  Dragging his weary body off the couch, Aragorn headed after Legolas.

"Where are you going, Strider?" Pippin asked. "Is something the matter?"

"No, no," the ranger lied through his teeth. "I just need to answer nature's call."

The remaining members of the Fellowship watched their new leader disappear into the night and collectively shrugged.  When you had to go, you had to go.  They continued settling down for the night when Sam suddenly froze.  He rubbed his ears and stared up at the Lord and Lady's chambers high above them.  When his gaze returned to the forest floor, the hobbit gardener's face was the color of a radish.  He turned to the other three hobbits and whispered something that Boromir and Gimli could not hear.  All four hobbits were soon blushing and hightailed it away from the camp.  

The last two members of the Fellowship stared at each other in complete confusion.  The same question was on their minds. What was going on?  It was then that a loud, animalistic groan echoed down from the Lord and Lady's chamber.

"Ai, ai, Celeborn!  Yes!  More! More!"

Realization dawned on the faces of both dwarf and human as they instantly understood everything.  Without a second thought, they ran for their lives.  

*          *          *

"Haldir, I would have never thought you to be capable of such deceit and trickery," Aragorn chuckled at the elven guard.

By the time Aragorn had caught up to Legolas, the Silvan elf was deep within the Golden Wood.  The elf and human exchanged knowing looks and agreed that they would have to find a place to sleep as far away from Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers as possible if they wanted to have any peace.  However, the threat of roaming orcs meant they would have to stay within Lothlorien's borders.  It was then that Haldir happened to be passing by.  The two quickly informed him of the situation and the Lórien elf, after recovering from a fit of laughter, offered to let them stay in his home.  

Haldir cleared away a spot on the floor and gave them blankets, which the two friends readily accepted.  Haldir then began to explain the entire story to them from the time he had found Celeborn locked out of his own bedroom, to the present day.  The looks on Aragorn and Legolas' faces ranged from absolute horror to hysterical laughter as the tale was told.  When Haldir finished, the two Fellowship members now saw the Lord and Lady of Lórien in a whole new light.  

The three of them were just about to turn in for the night when someone knocked on the door.  Grumbling, Haldir opened the door to reveal his two brothers bearing a message.  

"Lady Galadriel wished for you to have this," Rúmil yawned as he handed over the rolled up parchment. "Though I wish she could have waited until the morning to send it."

With no small amount of trepidation, Haldir accepted the message and began to read it out loud.  He was too tired to coherently read silently.  

"Greetings Haldir.  Celeborn and I would like to thank you for supplying the wine and helping us to overcome a few differences.  Your methods were treacherous, deceitful, and could easily label you as a traitor.  However, the outcome of your plotting was most pleasurable and so we will not remove your bowels with a dull knife and hang you from a tree branch by them as we originally planned.  This alone should be enough of a reward for you.  Celeborn insists, though, that we should do something more for you.  Valar knows why I agreed with him.  So, I have decided that you may take a few months off to do some of the traveling you have been talking about.  If you decide not to travel, however, than you are more than welcome to spend your vacation by joining Celeborn and I.  We would love to try things with a third elf."

Haldir immediately dropped the message and stared at it as if it were a shaved dwarf head.  Behind him, three elves and one human alternated their looks of horror and disgust from the message on the floor to the elf that had just read it aloud.  

Orophin cleared his throat. "Brother, is there something that you are not telling us?"

"It is not true!" Haldir squeaked. "They are both mad!"

A shadow passed over Haldir's face.

"Admit it, you want to join in." he smirked.

The shadow faded.

"Shut up!" Haldir growled at himself. "You are not helping."

Aragorn immediately felt sorry for the frightened, schizophrenic elf standing before him. "You know, Haldir, Rivendell is very nice this time of year."

The elven guard looked up at the human hopefully. "It is?"

"Oh yes.  And I am sure that Glorfindel would love to talk to another who has suffered from elven schizophrenia."

With a great whoop of joy, Haldir was packed and running out the door in mere seconds.  As he raced off into the darkness, the elven guard called over his shoulder. "My thanks, Aragorn.  I shall see you all in a few months!  Have fun marching to your doom in Mordor!"

Once Haldir was out of site, Rúmil and Orophin headed off in the direction of their homes; leaving Legolas and Aragorn alone.  A silent agreement passed between the Prince of Mirkwood and the heir of Isildur as they each discarded the blankets on the floor and flopped down on opposite ends of the bed.  Legolas was about to drift off when a sudden thought jolted him awake.

"Aragorn, do you believe that the others are all right.  I would hate for them to suffer through the night when the two of us have been able to escape torment."  
  


"Do not worry," the ranger yawned. "They all may not be the brightest of travelers, but I have no doubt that they got away before things heated up too much.  We will find them in the morning."

"Ah," Legolas paused and then spoke again. "Aragorn?"

"Hmm?" Aragorn grumbled.

"I sincerely hope, for your sake, that your beloved Arwen takes after her parents more than her grandparents."

Aragorn paled. "Oh Elbereth…so do I."                

**The End**

Here's the complete list of thank-yous to all of the people that helped make this story possible with their comments, ideas, encouragements, and beta reading.

LordVaughan: Thanks a lot for all of the reviews and the hilarious idea involving Gandalf and his "precious" pipeweed.   And thanks for my longest review to date as well. 

Fairy Hedgehog:  Thank you for your idea of including Elrond.  That idea alone spawned all of chapter four, so I really appreciated it.

Hannah: Thanks for your idea of Celeborn on the horse.  Actually, your idea was to have him speed around in a sports car, but that doesn't exactly work in Middle Earth.  I hope you can handle my insane writing obsessions this fall when we become roommates. *evil grin*

Kim:  I am determined to make you watch LotR this year!  Thanks for the lingerie idea and thinking up the romantic dinner that evolved into drunken insanity.   

Katie: I really appreciate your beta reading for the first few chapters.  I also really appreciated your idea of Celeborn finding a new lover, though you suggested it should be female…

Rachel: Thanks for beta reading the first few chapters with Katie.  Also, thanks for helping me with the main title (based on "A Man Has Needs" by the Arrogant Worms)

Arrogant Worms: Thanks for the song "A Man Has Needs".  Hilarious!!

mayetra: Thanks a lot for the Glorfindel information and the link to the Encyclopedia of Arda.  These will come in handy for my other elf stories.

Nuraeariel:  I'm glad to know that I was able to break through your original skepticism with a genuinely funny story.  When you told me that, I truly felt that I had done a great job and it really encouraged me.  

G2: I really shouldn't thank you because you thought that my story idea was pretty stupid when I first told you about it.  However, that motivated me to write this as well as I possibly could.  So, thanks for the motivation.

A huge thank-you goes out to the people who put me on their favorites list!  I hope my other stories will make it to other favorites lists as well.

And now for my biggest thanks of all to…

Genki neko-chan: Friend, beta reader, muse, rant listener, and one person sound effects machine.  Your mind spawned endless plot bunnies that included green boxers, purple palantírs, and bottles that tinked.  You've taken time to beta my chapters and listened to my endless ramblings on possible gags.  For some bizarre reason, my best random ideas always came when I was talking to you.  I can't thank you enough for your help and support that made this story possible, _mellon__ nîn. _


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